Matthew 6:5-6: "And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men....when thou prayest, enter into thy closet and when thou has shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret...."
Dear Lord,
Can you hear me? Can you read this letter all the way from heaven? Christmas is just around the corner I'm not asking for much... Im struggling Lord, heavenly father. This is not my first letter nor my last. However, this is the first letter I'm posting "publicly" for those who care to read; to understand.
You know my true heart. Thats why you always reach out to be. Thats why you have blessed me with a gift to heal & help those who are lost. whenever, I stray, you always find a way to shield me from danger...
At the same time, you showed me through suffering that I must HELP, heal & forgive myself first before reaching out to others. You also gave me the strength & gumption not to pity myself. However you knew before I was created, there will be misunderstandings and confusion around me. Is this all a test? Did I pass or fail? Life is not about numbers, grades, statistics - Life is about HEART, feelings, FAITH...
There was always a Guardian Angel there to comfort me when my own family called me names. Its true you have to give respect to earn it. But, how is a child to know the difference between right & wrong with two parents who were incapable of nurturing themselves...you held me up, gave me gentle encouragement & taught me to defend myself through ACTION as well as WORDS. Although, Im learning to pick my battles - not so wisely. Struggling with the right words to say... I'm getting better at it day by day.
For all that, Im eternally grateful. For all the misunderstandings of human nature on YOUR true nature & your fervent forgiveness - you are all mighty. You must be laughing up there when you see 2 young women arguing about who is MORE devoted when you know, BOTH carry you in their heart. You must also weep when wars are started, blood is shed in the name of RELIGION...
You have also given us permission to question authority. After all, who are "they" but everyone else: flesh & blo0d with a mind & soul, not to mention a "body" on loan - a vessel that is not ours but a carcass carrying all the essential tools to be successful. To live up to your expectations. Also to be tempted by the same flesh that hardens then returns to ashes once our soul expires.
Im so sorry jesus, from the bottom of my heart. Im not an avid church goer nor do I read the bible first thing in the morning or before bed time. Im a typical "faith-flopper", still struggling to believe in you 100%. Although, my hope is that one of these days, when you are ready to take me away, you will answer the eternal question: whats the meaning of life?
I mean whats the point of giving us free-will if that means only those who believe will be saved. Whats the point of handicapped people, homeless people, babies dying at birth, children starving in 3rd world countries- what did they do to deserve the pain while those who are greedy, selfish, cruel live in the lap of luxury?
In all the words, I heard uttered in your "name". You never said the world was FAIR. You knew it wouldn't be - there must be a DIVINE reason for this too...is it to TEST us Lord? To see just how far we would GO to abandon you for our own selfish needs?
Why do we DEMAND more proof? When its ALREADY there in front of us in NATURE. In the SIMPLICITY of everyday LIFE. We are all so occupied with trivial matters, we forget to stop & smell the roses, the wind sweep on our cheek, the cotton between our toes....
Ever since I was a little girl, all I wanted was to be appreciated. Thats all I ask today. Funny, how you can do a million things right. Then you make one mistake here or there & you are put on the chopping block: off with her head! Ironically, Im also he worrier - not the one who over analyzes, leave that to accountants. If I had lost faith completely, the welfare of others would not be of any consequence to my conscience.
While most worry mainly about their immediate family. To me, the world is my family from the big boss on top to the garbage man on the street! Money talks seems to be the name of lifes game. Some of us are simply more LUCKY than others. Its not WISE to play with luck while others have been cursed by no fault of their own.
Lord, can you help take them out of their DENIAL. Show them the light?
Sure, I chose the wrong path many times - instead of following the straight & narrow road ahead, I took a few sharp turns & alley ways that lead me nowhere but darkness & confusion. The whole way, I called out to you! Free will isnt so free when your soul is at stake: when your heart is not in sync with your head. There is something BEYOND those things we can see, touch, smell, taste....
Its disheartening to believe there are those out there, walking this earth, who never get to experience more than this material world. I feel your pain world. Im also learning from others that all it takes is a tiny "seed". It must be planted patiently then left to grow on its own. Perhaps dropping by to water it every now & then but NEVER forced into the ground or over fed.
This "seed" was ingrained within my soul as a little girl. It was certainly not hatred that grew within but LOVE. That must = G-d. Still, Im struggling. Is it the whispers: you are not good enough. You are forgotten. He does not care about you let alone LOVE you? Its not a mere man, its you Lord. Whenever I was empty, you filled me up. I turned to you because, as you know, I never had a stable father figure. I searched in all the WRONG places for validation.
I hope to make a commitment to you someday when I get stronger. There are still parts of me that feel unworthy. truth be told, Im not 100% ready even though Im so close. Half-way there in fact. Completing the process of "extracting" certain thoughts & influences from my life that are UNHEALTHY.
As always, you are the PERFECT gentleman. Patient, considerate, compassionate & most of all L-O-V-E.
Thank you again for all your acceptance, your guidance, and comfort in times of loneliness.
Forever, Crystal xoxo.
Hear Me! Hear Me, My Sons, and My Daughters. Oh, how are you? How are You, My Sons and My Daughters? I love you so much. I love you so much. I love you with all of My Heart My Sons and Daughters.
