You don't repair that relationship by sitting down and talking about trust or making promises. Actually, what rebuilds it is living it and doing things differently - and I think that is what is going to make the difference. ~Patricia Hewitt
I have learned through life: never make a promise that you cannot keep. Especially to your children.
One of the most truly tragic moments (one of many i have managed to survive) is the day when my parents lost custody of my brother Jeffrey & I. It was sudden, traumatic - every detail of that time is still burnt in my memory.
At first we were placed in the children's ward of the local hospital. I never knew why but there were placed with very sick children who had Cancer & broken bones. Other children walking around with IV's in their arms were all around us. To this day, the hospital is one place where I feel safe. It makes no sense. I just do. Even the food that everyone complains about is tolerable.
Anyways, every week we were told to pack our bags because we were going home! So we did what we were told. Keep in mind, our parents were not the greatest in the world. Even as children we knew this. However they were the only parents we ever knew. I did miss the comfort of my own bed, cannot deny that.
So, every week was the same: we packed our bags & waited patiently only to be told, we would have to wait until "next time". No explanation - Nothing.
I was deathly afraid of the dark (still have that silly fear). The nurses on call would have to keep a night light on for me or I would suddenly wake up screaming & crying for my mother. Sure she had her issues but I missed her. Every child adores their mother: at least I did.
There are no words to describe the pain of having her there all the time then losing her for apparently no reason.
Now, as a mother myself I'm conflicted between wanting/needing the love of a man (romance & intimacy) & fulfilling my duties as a mother to nurture & protect my daughter who I will always love unconditionally.
Furthermore, experiencing 40 weeks of pregnancy & child birth makes me understand my own mother less. How could she have chosen my father (an abuser) over her own babies?
Perhaps there will never be an answer. All I know is that my mission is to forgive the Mistakes of my Mother. Move on. Learn from my own past & reverse the cycle.
Many blessings,
Crystal.
