****It starts @ home - New Yorkers please join www.nycares.org***
We are all spoiled. Even the poorest people in America can get 3 - HOT- square meals a day. I know because I volunteered in a "Soup Kitchen" in the basement of St. John Divine Church in Harlem, NY.
Living in New York since, I was 8 - I've seen my fair share of suffering - it broke my heart to see children & teenagers close to my age sitting on a dirty street corner with signs. at the time, I was naive to think that they had chosen that lifestyle - NOBODY chooses to be homeless.
I always felt sorry for any man, woman or child who had to beg for spare change: my memory has retained a few poignant situations:
1- A man was getting arrested as I handed him a dollar bill, the cops were picking him off the dirty floor & his scrawny fingers were still reaching for my hand.
2. In the winter of 2001, my friends & I were walking up Lexington ave. & an old woman was wrapped up in a blanket in the middle of the side walk- as my friends passed her, i stopped & took off my gloves- she didn't want to take them but I placed them on her lap & walked away quickly - when I caught up with my group, they asked me: what happened to yor gloves? I didnt say anything.
3. recently, on my way to class, a man was wrapped up on Broadway on top of the train station stairs - everyone just walked by him - it was windy but I caught a glimpse of his face - he had long hair & a long brown beard - I didnt make eye contact with him but ran to the Gyro guy on the corner - I bought the homeless man a plain hotdog- when I returned his entire face was wrapped up so I left it by his side, wrapped up in tin foil.
As a n old lady walked by, I was kneeling beside him & she gave me a dirty look....
This are just a few times, I reached out a hand to a stranger. Every time, tears welled up in my eyes...I never bragged to anyone about those things, in fact, now is the first time, Im writing this down!!
Yesterday, I had an epiphany - all the compassion bottled up inside me has to be released constructively...Im ready to release LOVE - genuinely, the kind of emotion that is given unconditionally. The universe always gives you what you deserve.. there have been times I was down & out - in the dumps, felt lower than dirt, hit rock bottom...get the idea??
Today, I'm NONE of those things. Why? because Im finding my purpose in the cosmos: my place in this world has been revealed slowly yet surely. It took 28 years to get here...who knows what another 28 years will bring!!
I lost a baby when i was 23. I dont think I ever got over it to this day. When you carry life inside you, its transforming. I never really wanted children mainly because of my childhood although there were some happy times like a family trip to Disney World, they were few & far between. How many kids were KIDNAPPED by their parents twice??
There are enough displaced babies in this world. In my heart of hearts, I always wanted to adopt. better yet, I'd like to Volunteer in a 3rd world country orphange. We can play with the children, feed them, read to them - give them the nurturing & affection they never had.
I KNOW what its like to be abused, abandoned, alone, hungry, afraid - I was blessed with a gift: it may make certain people "uncomfortable". Thats ok. I had been ADVISED to use it wisely. All those RAW scars are ready to HEAL.
So many of our DREAMS go unrecognized. so many talents NEVER reach their full potential - I hope with enough HEART & PASSION, my own vision of a unified world come to fruition. We are one no matter how different we appear, no matter what religion we practice, we come from the SAME seed - if we dont get light or care, we wilt into NOTHING. We all have the SAME potential...why do you HIDE behind someone elses shadow?
Traumatic (PTSD) would be the best description of my first 8 years on this earth.
I'm not pretending to be a SAINT - I am 100% human with flaws & all. I had been extremely LUCKY. I was saved for a reason - adopted by my aunt & her husband. We had our ups & downs which made us stronger as a family. Despite all that we survived.
I see my peers making their mark in the world & its exciting to see others find success in what they are good at.
My GREATEST fear is becoming my mother Lulu- she's a slave to her mundane life- she abandoned her 2 children (Jeffrey & I) for her husband, my father William. She still pines over him as if hes the most wonderful person alive. They managed to stay married. I suppose they have a "sick" sort of romance. Trough many FAILED relationships, I forced myself not to become HER....the idea terrifies me...its definitely a battle b/t whats FAMILIAR & whats RIGHT. I'm here to break the cycle: to create a NEW mold.
Sacrifice & service or in my DNA - I cant change my desire to nurture & care for people - I had been going about it backwards - people who dont really need me, they just used me when they were not well then threw me away like yesterday's news once they were "better".
I had boyfriends who fell head - over-heals only to break up b/c I'm too difficult EMOTIONALLY. yea, I was the perfect girlfriend until _______.
I cant take back the countess hours of telephone conversations with friends where I listened to them whine about a boyfriend or their job or their dysfunctional parent then act too busy when I wanted to talk - it made me a stronger person & less needy.
Time has made me more harsh & even blunt with those who try to manipulate me...I'm learning peace comes from within. Once you find it only then can you SHINE or LIGHT onto others.
Instead of throwing a pity party - I want to make a positive difference on myself & the WORLD - if I have the power to heal & inspire those close to me...I must test the waters ABROAD.
If anything positive come from the experience, I will appreciate my life much more. Some of the shame in my past will always exist. Perhaps thats what lingers. We can't go back- we can only move towards a better & brighter future.
All the best.
Crystal xoxo.
