Promises.

You don't repair that relationship by sitting down and talking about trust or making promises. Actually, what rebuilds it is living it and doing things differently - and I think that is what is going to make the difference. ~Patricia Hewitt 

I have learned through life: never make a promise that you cannot keep. Especially to your children.

One of  the most truly tragic moments (one of many i have managed to survive) is the day when my parents lost custody of my brother Jeffrey & I. It was sudden, traumatic - every detail of that time is still burnt in my memory.

At first we were placed in the children's ward of the local hospital. I never knew why but there were placed with very sick children who had Cancer & broken bones. Other children walking around with IV's in their arms were all around us. To this day, the hospital is one place where I feel safe. It makes no sense. I just do. Even the food that everyone complains about is tolerable.

Anyways, every week we were told to pack our bags because we were going home! So we did what we were told. Keep in mind, our parents were not the greatest in  the world. Even as children we knew this. However they were the only parents we ever knew. I did miss the comfort of my own bed, cannot deny that.

So, every week was the same: we packed our bags & waited patiently only to be told, we would have to wait until "next time". No explanation - Nothing.

I was deathly afraid of the dark (still have that silly fear). The nurses on call would have to keep a night light on for me or I would suddenly wake up screaming & crying for my mother. Sure she had her issues but I missed her. Every child adores their mother: at least I did.

There are no words to describe the pain of having her there all the time then losing her for apparently no reason.

Now, as a mother myself I'm conflicted between wanting/needing the love of a man (romance & intimacy) & fulfilling my duties as a mother to nurture & protect my daughter who I will always love unconditionally.

Furthermore, experiencing 40 weeks of pregnancy & child birth makes me understand my own mother less. How could she have chosen my father (an abuser) over her own babies?

Perhaps there will never be an answer. All I know is that my mission is to forgive the Mistakes of my Mother. Move on. Learn from my own past & reverse the cycle.

Many blessings,

Crystal.

The Kiss.

I can taste the concept of conception churning on my tongue. Honey hung on his longing lips - too poisonous to kiss. Yet too prominent to miss. He grabbed my hand like a thief in the night. Held my bosom close to his chest. Well, you get the rest. The moment of spontaneous bliss sealed with a kiss – hands on my waist. Damn. Deception has a funny taste. I wouldn’t let that moment go for months. An undisclosed desire just between us…We were both on the same side. Yet there were feelings you chose to hide. 

You swallowed my SOUL slowly like sweet syrup as we spoke - surprised you didn't choke on your own words. Awesome. Absurd. All at once. You must have mistaken me for a dunce. I seemed to have misplaced my cap with your back handed slap. Were you playing me or her? Does it even matter anymore....

Lust and trust are incompatible mates. I let this ruminate before opening the flood gates. In the past I would have wanted to die – now, even my spirit could not cry. Why would I weep for another who I could not keep.  I choose my battles WISELY before going into war. To fight for you, I had to be 100% sure that you were the one I’d follow into the scorching sun. Therefore, I had to run the other way before it was too late: start a clean slate.

Sure, you can call me unstable but I am the one who is BRAVE enough to put my HEART wholly on the table. Treating my most delicate organ like a slab you could grab and steal yet never opening yourself up enough to truly feel. I held on for as long as I could until my knuckles were changing multiple colors and hues: from reds and pinks to burning blues.

If the name of your game is shame – we have all been there – it is so unfair to stare into the future. Should we shroud the pain or prepare it with a sterilized suture- steady hands sustain survival – stabbed in the front by a friend revealed as an actual rival. I am relieved our perfect plans fell through – looking back all I could see was me wanting you.

Crystal.

Compassion.

Girls are taught at an early age

To hold back rage.

Emotions are to 

Be locked up in a cage.

Never openly displayed.

I learned to cope

Hanging by a rope of

Hollow hope.

Never allowing myself 

To fall.

OR Fail

And in the moments I felt

Alive

Anger was a reminder

I must survive.

A passionate purpose.

Spiritually & Creatively::

Carefully calling out my

Courage. & Compassion.

                Powerful. I am not a "feminist" , this young woman is very brave...whoever she is.

Acceptance.

Human Beings have their flaws.

We have our scars

Too difficult to hide.

And relationship roller coasters

We choose not to ride.

I lost a child at 24

Don't have it me to lose

One more.

To Be a wife

Was never a goal::

To have my identity

Swallowed whole.

No thank you!

Its hard to trust

My heart these days.

So I sit in the shadows

Avoiding the rays.

Accepting what could never be.

Basking only in

My born again

Virginity.

Its not an easy path -

Letting go of wrath.

Holding on to

Anything sacred.

Scared to death

Of losing my breath.

Choosing acceptance over

Vengeance.

The 10 Rules for Being human.

The Ten Rules for Being Human::

1. You will receive a body.

2.  You will be presented with lessons.

3.  There are no mistakes, only lessons.

4.  Lessons are repeated until learned.

5.  Learning does not end.

6.  “There” is no better than “here”.

7.  Others are only mirrors of you.

8.  What you make of your life is up to you.

9.  All the answers lie inside of you.

10.  You will forget all of this at birth.

From the book “If Life is a Game, These are the Rules.” (Written by Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D., the “rules” have also appeared in “Chicken Soup for the Soul” by Jack Canfield.)

CHANGE.

Its easy to stay stagnant:

An immovable force.

Day in and day out

Plowing like a horse.

Work. Work.

Tick. Tock.

Living life

by

a
CLOCK.

I
do
Not
Live like that.

I
am
Not
a Robot.

You cannot program me.
Place me neatly into
your fantasy .

I will break the mold
Of your Illusion
Cause you confusion.
Until you break free of
Your own stubborn
Delusion.

If you are afraid of change -
If you do not care enough to
Make a move.
You have proved
Your point.

As for me
I change like the wind.
My heart is as vulnerable as
Wide- open waters. With no
Boundaries.
You can never
Contain.
You can try in vain.

Change is pain.
Yet I do it again
And again:

Love, break, shatter -
Putting my pieces back together
Repeating the cycle of
Society's force fed
Happily Ever After.

Alone (A Poem)

My decision to remain unattached
Has set a fire: struck a match.

The persistent-paradox:
That resurfaces as my
Soul Unlocks.

Released from months of pent
up emotion-
Only to wash over me like the
tides of the ocean.

Tried to resist the gates of my heart
from opening up yet still
They split apart.

The scary thing about not
being prepared
is receiving
the very thing you feared.

You either accept it or reject it.
In any case becoming the culprit.

Writing this now leaves a hollow space
No other can replace.
I understand now
Is the time to step back - Gracefully.
Take a bow.

As I carefully choose this road
Of solitary Confinement -
I bide my time
wondering what you & I meant.

XOXO,

Crystal.