Beam me up scottie.

Up, up & away.
Candy cane, Mary Jane - its all one in the same:
invincible
Watch my confidence grow: incredible.
Sensations.
Hallucinations. High as a kite.

Shake your ass. Stick it in - make it fast
Theres not too much longer this feeling
Will last- either you take more
Or show yourself to the door.

As you hit your foot to the pavement
You become aware of your enslavement-
There is no power in this powder
Its just your brain turning
Into chowder.

Just as quickly, reality came smashing
Down- this is NOT me...in the light,
Strangers take pity- in the night
You dont feel so shitty.
Shut the f*ck up. Take another hit
Until it makes you forget. Til it
Makes you sick!

Does anyone know the struggle it takes to fight
This thing - the guilt, the shame- nobody
But yourself to blame: life is not meant
To be a game:

It started out so innocent- a one night stand, a helping hand, highly in demand:
no money, no honey.
My mortal mind cant take it anymore.
My morals washed ashore - my spirit shone, broken to the bone.

Im done.
Losing sleep.
Afraid to lose control.
Im not a creep. I deserve unconditional love.

Tough love is heaven sent from above.
If you listen to the angels whisper
Gently into your ear: have no fear.
Be brave. Come back down to earth
Where you have value
Where you have worth.


PS. This a poem I wrote months ago- Im 100% clean today & forever!!!

« ~ What is LoVe ~»

Love is not all about sweet - hearts, cuddles, kisses, & candy - true love is about compassion, forgiveness, & some of our life's greatest lessons of selflessness...

Believe in the "power" of true love - its not about finding that PERFECT
other ~ half... it works both ways - what DO you have to offer another person * what do they have to offer you?

Share: most of us grew up with siblings so we understand the concept: sharing means caring. Unless you were an only child, as you become an "adult", its only natural to be generous with our possessions...

Somebody told me once, its not important to be rich & powerful- family + friendship + love are the most important things in life...when people have too many "things" they become selfish b/c they feel they did it all on their own without anybodys help so why be generous with my time or money - people get a superiority complex...they end up lonely since nobody can love a cold person- perhaps he was speaking from experience- as always, I took the advice in & really listened...maybe he was right..Im not cut out to be alone anyways- most of my life, family has always been close by.

SOUL MATE: a person who comes into your life to show you the path you are meant to take- these relationships are profound as they are painful..at the time, the connection may seem confusing & lead to intense dislike. Thats only bc the bond was meant to be broken in order to GROW.


Ultimately, love brings us out from the "darkness" into the light- to bring joy into our lives, open our hearts to new experiences, broaden our horizons, & give us comfort.

$ MONEY $ : Emotional security & financial security are not mutually exclusive Can I be complete honest? Without a roof over your head or a stable source of income, love cannot flourish- I read somewhere that "money issues" was was the top reason for divorce...

Having loads of dough wont make someone fall in love with you - understand that. This is a material world & we need money to buy us creature comforts, in the end, we are not buried with it, so enjoy it: the positive things you do with your money could bring you admiration that could turn into love- who knows!

Its all about the kind of person you are - what are your values: religion, politics, do you want kids, where do you want to live + most importantly........where is your HEART? If you really want someone to cherish you - make a choice to devote yourself & commit wholeheartedly to someone you know you cannot live without: settling ~ down doesn't mean you have to settle. Stop searching for perfection.

SEX: nothing pains me more than those who say "sex" is the main marker of TRUE love...yes, its important to be physical...yet, physical comfort means so much more than wild sex- you can still love somebody without sex- its maybe not going to be a romantic connection but nobody should judge anyone else relationship unless theirs is perfect...lust is just not love....recognize.


As a rule, when the sex is amazing right away - thats the highlight of the relation...my longest, most meaningful relationships with men were when the sex was ok at first, we got to know one another & everything grew from our experiences getting to know one another- talking, going out to dinner, traveling, enjoying the company of that person...instead of staying in bed eating pizza all day lol. There is always time for that but it cant be all you do together...

Nobody could really TALK about LOVE, its truly a FEELING & an ACTION: an intense, passionate mixture of sparks b/t 2 people. You dont block out the world but CREATE your own world together where you can make a home. Its not supposed to be smooth sailing ALL the time. When you meet that person you will know: LOVE is in the touch & the tears in the shared laughter & fears- it never fades although the light may become dim from time to time - one of you will always start the spark over again...enjoy it when it enters your life. Don't FEAR it. Let it FLOW. If it ends, learn to let it GO with GRACE & accept the next lesson in your LIFE xoxo

Pisces - Rooster: Easts meets West astrology

If you take the terms psychic, intuitive, prophetic and add creative and intensely imaginative, you find just some of the words describing Pisces, the twelfth House of the Western zodiac. The tendency of a Pisces is to work alone; they are capable of high intellectual achievement with a magnetic, mysterious personality. Sensitive, they are usually introverted, seeming constantly afloat inside their inventive mind.

If you take the descriptions flamboyant, well-dressed and groomed, always in the spotlight, you visit the world of those individuals born in the year of the Rooster. Center of attention? You bet.

Now, combine the pair. You think this bird is precariously standing on a lofty perch, and should take care? No, just look at the determined glint in this fellow’s eye. Don’t be fooled by those flashy feathers, arrogant stature and lofty attitude — this is a self-assured and courageous individual. Are the fish floating aimlessly with not a thought, maybe wondering what they are doing up here with this glorious bird? No, you have it all wrong! These are Rooster-fish who have no fear of flying, and are enjoying the strength and extroverted nature the Rooster personality brings to Pisces. They are completely free to enjoy their creative and intellectual pursuits, and willing to step into a well-earned spotlight, accepting their just rewards. Being warmhearted and caring, they now have the ability to give back to others their inventive gifts because of the brave, compassionate and strongly independent spirit supplied by the Rooster.

The flamboyant turns inward while the intuitive turns outward, and the benefit to others is the ingenious creations that result from this strong and powerfully talented individual, the Rooster-Pisces.

What kind of mother...

What kind of mother puts herself first?
A selfish mother is the worst.

It breaks my heart to see
Crack head mothers
Not just on TV
But in reality.

They say: my baby will save my life
Meanwhile they have nothing
No home or marriage
No man wants to call her his wife.

Is that what we are teaching our children.
To abandon moral & tradition
As if they never existed...
Life's wisdom, totally twisted.

So society foots the bill
For another new pill.
A baby is born addicted to drugs:
Never getting enough hugs.

What kind of woman makes this kind of decision
Fighting all logic & intuition
Knowing whats growing within
Was created in sin.

Im so afraid of being a mother one day
Not knowing how to act
Not knowing what to say
Keeping my spirituality in tact.

All we own is our beliefs
Our values and way of life.
I'd protect my babies
With all my might.

Teach them to be strong-
Know that they are loved
And they belong.

What kind of mother would
Teach their children to sing
Anything but a happy song?

Happy Independence Day!!! Heres to new beginnings

Today is the day, our country- the good ole U.S. of America celebrates her freedom. So many people have risked their lives for this great nation- today, many more risk their lives to come here for a "better" life- at what price?

Is it worth having all the things you desire when you are UNHAPPY...do you have to be so TOUGH & selfish to make something of yourself...whatever happened to kindness, honor, freedom, choice, the AMERICAN way?

God knows we are so lucky to be born here. Yes, I feel terrible for those who have to fight just to maintain basic rights- no matter where we come from, we ALL bleed...inside we are all the SAME> perhaps the plain Janes & party poopers had it right all along. Boring is better: its certainly safer.

Seriously, I dont wanna sound like a BROKEN record...

Is it really worth being beautiful, rich, successful, & intelligent? It seems like the faster we rise, the HARDER we fall...Im humble enough to admit, im far from all I aspire to be. I used to think a light shone around me- I still had an aura of innocence. Suddenly, the trials & tribulations of my past returned to haunt me. They were starting to harden my once sanguine spirit.

So many times this past couple of years, I looked in the mirror or caught my reflection...I had NO clue who this person was- this woman who became so driven for material things. I felt so much guilt. Not because of how I figured out to get what I want. The self loathing came from the fact I knew, I got lazy- I was taking the EASY way out- blaming my past pain for reasons to be irresponsible.

What past could a 27 year old have - a lost childhood. Sorrow. Confinement. Abuse. Abandonment...who am I to even complain- I was also given a very cooshy, safe home - two "stable" parents to replace the ones who created me. It seems that all that was never enough!!! Life has kept throwing more challenges.

I had counselors, therapists, doctors try to "evaluate" my personality. In many ways I grew tired of their repetitive questions...I had arrogantly assumed I knew more than them; outsmart intelligent minds. Now I see all that was an illusion- they saw right through the smoke & mirrors. In the end, who is the one who suffers?

Was it my lack there of- an emptiness & void that needed to be fulfilled...Its like a poison has taken over my true self- who injected me with this bitter contempt- I have no actual disease- perhaps a mood disorder nothing that any prescribed MAOI. cant cure!

Now, after all the drama- I want to change- I REALLY want to turn a NEW leaf- start over from scratch- get back to my ROOTS- school, family, a normal job- the whole nine-

I refuse to be one of those sad sorry TRAGIC women- I want to be STRONGER...less selfish, less foolish- the ego has to go- where did it even come from: this NEED to be recognized...for what? A sex object...drug addict... No. The intense creative energy has made me a bit of an eccentric with no sense of direction. The more it has been contained, the more I want to just throw it out there& not care what others think.

Life offers us so many chances. You can go to the TOP schools in the country. Come from the richest family. But who you are deep down reflects through the CHOICES we make...it get us nowhere to try to keep up with the "jones" when they are classless pigs- we should care about those who love us unconditionally. Our character is shown in how we treat our close friends & companions: the truth is, the people who defended me are also the ones who hurt me the most...

Its like, they want to keep me sick because if I actually get better I'll become independent & leave them behind. This will never happen. Its just their irrational fears that have frustrated my growth process.

And as much as I want to see the GOOD in everyone & lord knows, I put that extra KIND gesture towards all who cross my path- I have to OPEN my eyes & see the truth- this sheltered girl is a becoming a WISE woman- my good intentions have been perpetuated on the WRONG people. I see that now.

My "love" for humanity runs very deep- I was just never encourage to love MYSELF. Isn't that 4-letter-word over used: I say love often for lack of a better word to describe the intense emotions rushing through me from time to time.

For a moment, I thought of going back to dancing in "another" club. Cheeky. Now I see how that is also an unwise decision. If only I had loved myself sooner instead of beating myself up inside for accepting abuse- I always believed I deserved it. It ate me up inside ti discover none of it was my fault really, just a victim of circumstance. But acknowledging this epiphany leads to deep truths that can never changed...only accepted.

In many ways, I feel all these experiences make me a better person. Perhaps if Im luck enough to have children myself, I can teach them how to be even better people- that is my wish..until then I choose not to bring another life into this world of confusion. Thats just selfish.

IRONICALLY it was not traveling the world that taught me life's harshest lessons...all I had to do was step right outside my own doorstep. Now the healing can begin=)

All the best. Peace & love. Crystal xoxo

*Inspiring poem by Maya Angelou*

I KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

Older man & younger woman - is it true love or love for all the wrong reasons?

This is a shallow world. Thats NO secret. When we see a man 20 years older than his "girlfriend" we assume- he's using her for sex & she just wants his money. Does society have the right to determine our happiness?

Did anyone ever think that they had a genuine connection? They could really be in love?

Its hard enough trying to fit someone into our specialized lifestyles between work, family, education, friends, and self- there are so many conflicts, however, when 2 people happen to meet & feel that bond, jealousy, envy, and insecurities of others are projected on a couple that simply want to care for one another WITHOUT being judged.

Its unfortunate for those who have not had a tender, sweet relationship with the opposite sex. Our differences are the attraction factor- men & women do think differently on a primal level- we teach one another basic things that we cannot learn from the same sex.

With age. Somebody older or young can open our eyes to different experiences our peers may not comprehend.

To me, the age difference, if both can overcome the social taboo, its truly a pure & beautiful union. Is it really any body's business how 2 seemingly different people came together...in truth, the reason they are together & you are not is because they found a deeper connection beyond material possessions: they found value in the qualities within each other. Thats the treasure most of us never find.

I give couples who step outside the box of "society' so much credit- its brave & shows personal character... This kind of courage comes with age. When I was 20, i didn't quite have the life experience to tell people to F*k themselves when I had a 50 year old man in my life who I cared for .

We had a relationship that defied logic- I was only 10 years older than his oldest daughter but I was completely legal, just months shy of my 21st birthday...I was in between boyfriends. In the end, it was my own brother who ruined my romance. He really like my more age appropriate man who was only 5 years older.

What did we see in each other? He was my opposite in many ways- very respectable, stable, devoted. His daughter liked me a lot. I worked for his nephew who also became a good friend. I met his sister from Israel & nephew who worked for Apple...it was a safe environment- we just fit.

It was not about sex or money- we had long telephone conversations. Went shopping. Had dinner out like any other couple- he provided me with a sense of protection- that which my own father never gave me. He always said if I was not married by 30, he would marry me=)

He inspired me. Taught me a new level of intimacy. I guess I made him feel admired & kept youth & innocence into his life-

I know it was not my imagination. I went back with my ex then a few years later we reconnected once again.... but it just wasn't the same.

There is so much more words can never quantify. Im not sure where he is now or if he is still alive. I know, looking back that I loved him plain & simple....I hope he felt the same way.

ME & my ex Joseph (who I chose to stay with) are still good friends after 7 years. He was my first love after all. But during dinner one night, after too many sangrias, I told him my connection with the "other" man was profound- I know this hurt him as much today as it did 6 years ago when he felt I betrayed him.
Of course life is full of choices.


Do you believe every moment returns again in time? I do. We keep learning the same lessons over again until we learn- it just its you- THIS is the path, Im meant to take. But there is a part of me who will always be the hopeless romantic & wanderer...

One of my favorite SHAKESPEARE quotes:

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts.