(My) Letter to: The Lord

Matthew 6:5-6: "And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men....when thou prayest, enter into thy closet and when thou has shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret...."

Dear Lord,

Can you hear me? Can you read this letter all the way from heaven? Christmas is just around the corner I'm not asking for much... Im struggling Lord, heavenly father. This is not my first letter nor my last. However, this is the first letter I'm posting "publicly" for those who care to read; to understand.

You know my true heart. Thats why you always reach out to be. Thats why you have blessed me with a gift to heal & help those who are lost. whenever, I stray, you always find a way to shield me from danger...

At the same time, you showed me through suffering that I must HELP, heal & forgive myself first before reaching out to others. You also gave me the strength & gumption not to pity myself. However you knew before I was created, there will be misunderstandings and confusion around me. Is this all a test? Did I pass or fail? Life is not about numbers, grades, statistics - Life is about HEART, feelings, FAITH...

There was always a Guardian Angel there to comfort me when my own family called me names. Its true you have to give respect to earn it. But, how is a child to know the difference between right & wrong with two parents who were incapable of nurturing themselves...you held me up, gave me gentle encouragement & taught me to defend myself through ACTION as well as WORDS. Although, Im learning to pick my battles - not so wisely. Struggling with the right words to say... I'm getting better at it day by day.

For all that, Im eternally grateful. For all the misunderstandings of human nature on YOUR true nature & your fervent forgiveness - you are all mighty. You must be laughing up there when you see 2 young women arguing about who is MORE devoted when you know, BOTH carry you in their heart. You must also weep when wars are started, blood is shed in the name of RELIGION...

You have also given us permission to question authority. After all, who are "they" but everyone else: flesh & blo0d with a mind & soul, not to mention a "body" on loan - a vessel that is not ours but a carcass carrying all the essential tools to be successful. To live up to your expectations. Also to be tempted by the same flesh that hardens then returns to ashes once our soul expires.

Im so sorry jesus, from the bottom of my heart. Im not an avid church goer nor do I read the bible first thing in the morning or before bed time. Im a typical "faith-flopper", still struggling to believe in you 100%. Although, my hope is that one of these days, when you are ready to take me away, you will answer the eternal question: whats the meaning of life?

I mean whats the point of giving us free-will if that means only those who believe will be saved. Whats the point of handicapped people, homeless people, babies dying at birth, children starving in 3rd world countries- what did they do to deserve the pain while those who are greedy, selfish, cruel live in the lap of luxury?

In all the words, I heard uttered in your "name". You never said the world was FAIR. You knew it wouldn't be - there must be a DIVINE reason for this too...is it to TEST us Lord? To see just how far we would GO to abandon you for our own selfish needs?

Why do we DEMAND more proof? When its ALREADY there in front of us in NATURE. In the SIMPLICITY of everyday LIFE. We are all so occupied with trivial matters, we forget to stop & smell the roses, the wind sweep on our cheek, the cotton between our toes....

Ever since I was a little girl, all I wanted was to be appreciated. Thats all I ask today. Funny, how you can do a million things right. Then you make one mistake here or there & you are put on the chopping block: off with her head! Ironically, Im also he worrier - not the one who over analyzes, leave that to accountants. If I had lost faith completely, the welfare of others would not be of any consequence to my conscience.

While most worry mainly about their immediate family. To me, the world is my family from the big boss on top to the garbage man on the street! Money talks seems to be the name of lifes game. Some of us are simply more LUCKY than others. Its not WISE to play with luck while others have been cursed by no fault of their own.

Lord, can you help take them out of their DENIAL. Show them the light?

Sure, I chose the wrong path many times - instead of following the straight & narrow road ahead, I took a few sharp turns & alley ways that lead me nowhere but darkness & confusion. The whole way, I called out to you! Free will isnt so free when your soul is at stake: when your heart is not in sync with your head. There is something BEYOND those things we can see, touch, smell, taste....

Its disheartening to believe there are those out there, walking this earth, who never get to experience more than this material world. I feel your pain world. Im also learning from others that all it takes is a tiny "seed". It must be planted patiently then left to grow on its own. Perhaps dropping by to water it every now & then but NEVER forced into the ground or over fed.

This "seed" was ingrained within my soul as a little girl. It was certainly not hatred that grew within but LOVE. That must = G-d. Still, Im struggling. Is it the whispers: you are not good enough. You are forgotten. He does not care about you let alone LOVE you? Its not a mere man, its you Lord. Whenever I was empty, you filled me up. I turned to you because, as you know, I never had a stable father figure. I searched in all the WRONG places for validation.

I hope to make a commitment to you someday when I get stronger. There are still parts of me that feel unworthy. truth be told, Im not 100% ready even though Im so close. Half-way there in fact. Completing the process of "extracting" certain thoughts & influences from my life that are UNHEALTHY.

As always, you are the PERFECT gentleman. Patient, considerate, compassionate & most of all L-O-V-E.
Thank you again for all your acceptance, your guidance, and comfort in times of loneliness.

Forever, Crystal xoxo.

Hear Me! Hear Me, My Sons, and My Daughters. Oh, how are you? How are You, My Sons and My Daughters? I love you so much. I love you so much. I love you with all of My Heart My Sons and Daughters.

The Return of "Crazy" or CONSERVATIVE Crystal?!

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart."
~ Helen Keller (1880-1968)

Words really are meaningless without ACTION to back them up. What are words, just another form of communication.

Sometimes, my blogs appear to be defensive, they probably are but while I have a VOICE & half- a brain, I will use them to capacity... if anybody has a retort, Id be glad to hear it.... just as long as I refuse to be your victim or victimize myself!

Some of us put too much emphasis on things said at the spur of the moment as opposed to observing how we treat others especially those who can not get us ahead in life. Everybody expects me to be the calm easy going one in the crowed- at FIRST- im even tempered most of the time.

Everyone acts shocked when I catch an "attitude" all of a sudden which is rare but once it starts- watch out! Im not the best at snappy comebacks & most people are physically larger than me expect for my uh-hum boobies;) So I yell & even call people names. Naturally, Im uber embarrassed afterwards- hey, there is usually alcohol involved.

Its not always about my PAST or haunted childhood- why cant it be about the situation: the here & now...when I decide to go out dancing, which isnt often these days, Im living for the moment- maybe an occasional nipple pops out but im not worried, there is NO paparazzi following me around lol.

I will be the FIRST to admit, I have a crazy side, an emotional side, a bitchy side + most importantly, a compassionate side-

To clarify- crazy is not insane- sometimes, I let loose after a long week of tedious seriousness- let loose be the operative word- although many of my values are CONSERVATIVE, my actions are not. Its a struggle within me to discover the fine balance between "Fun girl" + "crazy chick".


It was easy to compartmentalize those two different sides of myself until recently, a dear friend made me realize my *spirituality* clashes with my lifestyle - or the one I'm trying to LEAVE behind me. You see, people get lost in their own little worlds, the ones they create to avoid reality.

In time, with patience & perhaps after a SEED is planted within their hearts, the truth will be revealed to them with love & compassion. All I want for people is to receive the gift, I had been given by complete strangers- the GIFT to heal yourself. It starts with forgiving yourself. We all make mistakes. Its never too late to turn your life around. YOU must be the one to do it. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom or losing some sort of SECURITY. Whatever the case may be - keep the FAITH.

Life is seriously too short (here on earth) to worry what others think about you- in the end its ONLY hearsay- FURTHER more, with the advancement of the world & history in the making- RECOGNIZE there are bigger things going on besides you & me- accusations, finger pointing, worry - they only exacerbate the issue at hand. They dont ADD anything particularly positive to our thought processes.

On that note, I refuse to let other people's pettiness, jealousy, & insecurities control me. If I said things that hurt, well we all have, maybe its time to face your own truth & reality - life is full of phonies whether you want to believe it or not & there is also a time to be REAL & a time to a bitch. Im not saying be cruel- I have a heart. Still, its better to be blunt than sugar coat all your syllables.

YOU know who you are + so does the man upstairs- after all he created you.

What others say or think should have no bearing on your LIFE unless you let it.

I'd like to say its much easier to be independant so the opinions of others really don't matter but we are still memeber of society + should live according to our culture in order not to become an OUTSIDER.

Needless to say its not easy. My character is strong- I have a sharp tongue + my intense passion + temper do get the best of me- at 27, I'm realizing how much more I have to learn about respect.

I have never claimed to be perfect, although I grew up in a perfectionist family- logically, I understand its impossible for any human being to be the picture of perfection.

Its yet another life lesson.
Human nature will always be inconsistent- there is no point bringing up that he said - she said crap- its a waste of energy.

Seriously, the best way to handle conflict or rumors is to walk away - give the dust time to settle so to speak.

The more we know, the longer we exsist- the MORE we will realize how much is out of our control- all we can do is ACCEPT it & move on.

The Lord only HELPS those who help themselves- even Jesus, a man who preached love + forgiveness was misunderstood.

I'm not an expert on the bible, I barely go to church, but the times I have knelt at the pew, my heart sank- tears welled up in my eyes bc. Yes, I was humbled by the presence of something GREATER.

We cannot see it. If you just close your eyes in room full of people, you know it is there- it has touched you deep in your soul.

You are free + you are forgiven.

Xoxo. Crystal.

*NOTE* re: my recent bloggy posts~ revised

Millions of people spend Thousands of dollars a year on "traditional" THERAPY
Its part of the humanistic healing process, ever since I was a toddler, social workers had come in & out of my life. Obviously, nobody can be their own "therapist"- even therapists need someone to talk to.

Spiritually, we are ALL brothers & sisters no matter what creed, religion, or race- we all come from the same place. We all revert back to the sacred "womb" when we feel lost.

Many start out with a seemingly average life striving to escape the "mundane". My life is quite the opposite- full of enough drama & trauma for a soap opera, Im working backwards in a sense to create a quite simple & normal life for myself- having children someday will be another way to repair the damage of my own. Although, my own mother was inadequate, when the time is right, I will be the best mother to my children, thats a fact!

what lessons of value would I teach them?

* Your heart must be in the right place: have a center that does not revolve around your possessions. Nobody should be forced into a religion or faith, believe in something other than what others say especially the media-When somebody told me that the state of the world took decades to create & may take centuries to repair has made me wonder if adoption will be a better alternative since so many children
world wide have nobody to love & care for them. Beside, i can relate to their "situation"

*Money does not bring or buy happiness for that matter. Accumulating money only makes you richer. Period. If thats all you have to offer, nobody will really remember you as a flesh & blood being but only see dollar signs when they thing of you- is this the legacy, you want to leave behind? BE GENEROUS with your~ time~ as well as money.

When I was 20 & discovered by gift for expressing myself through writing, I slowly stopped the idea that I had to vent to an actual person, in fact, I had been keeping a journal or diary for as long as I could remember, I always knew how to express my deepest desires & fears into words, even if it was scribbling on a napkin.

What made this all the more poignant is when my aunt brought me a manuscript written in Chinese- she told me that my grandfather used to write poetry about the family- I hope to translate it one day. Unfortunately, I never got to know him- although I have some of his pictures- he is remember as a good, kind man who loved his family. He was also mighty intelligent & hard working, besides our appreciate for poetry, we also share the disdain for a 9-5 lifestyle.

Strict schedules are NOT for me...

I feel its not fair to put all these heavy, negative emotions on others thats why I spend much time alone when Im depressed or just down. Of course, since this is a public diary, other have a right to read it & judge- Understand, I dont write this to be judged by others- this is my way to VENT & release some inner tension.

We are are creatures of experience. We have a past. Its not always pretty. If it was then either you were extremely lucky or delusional. Until you have had to sacrifice - loved & lost - caried the burden of hardship, responsibility- how can you say you have truly LIVED. Perhaps you only skimmed the surface.

Remember, its the little things in life that can make or break us. The Joy & the pain are one in the same- you cold never FULLY appreciate one without the other.

Im not a sad little woman who sits at a computer all day- I have a blackberry too, that gives me freedom to blog where ever I am in the world;-) Maybe, I have had to carry more pain than most, but what I write here is letting go of my vulnerability.

Any human being I have expressed all of this sorrow with must have had to be very dear * special for me- those we dump all their garbage on others are selfish. And Im the first to come to those friends who have needed console.

We can only be our best with what we are given. If we fail, we have nobody to blame but ourselves. Nobody is braver for pretending certain things never happened- nobody is that brilliant that they can push back the pain so far it disappears, it always resurfaces.

I write a little here -n - there instead of hurting others. The only time, I admit to exploding is when others dont respect my boundaries. Pushy people are not my cup of tea. Other than that, people fascinate me. Sometimes in shallow ways. Sometime with their wisdom * insight. Other times in their equally quirky presence * free ~ spirit.

My goals in life are more clear these days as my lifes purpose unfolds each day. I have come too far to give up. I want to share the success with others too, I just discovered that the happier you seem, the more certain people want to bring you down - its because they are unhappy with who they are, they have no control of their own life so they try to discredit your personal victories.

My only hope is those who have doubted me, realize they were wrong, wrong, wrong- Im a fighter. No way, no how, will I quit to appease those I will never ever please.

More to come. xoxo~ Crystal.

*Love of my life* (poem)

The Love of my life
Was my greatest sacrifice.
Its been four years,
The easy part was
Signing your life away
They dont prepare you
for making it day to day...

BELIEVE me I have paid
The price, every month
Has been a reminder-
If that isn't hell -
A place here on earth
I know all too well.

Until the Lord shed
A light onto me
Carried me away
From the self pity-
It took me a long
Time to see the truth.

There are some many times
when I picture you - there
Your soft skin,
wind in your hair.
Would you be green eyed
And fair?

Funny, you never approach
Me in my dreams.
Softly, we embrace
In crowded places
I swear I've seen your face
No man alive could ever
Replace!

I could never let you
live the life I had -
Often lost
Sweetly sad
Losing sleep
Over a life that was
Never yours or mine
To keep.

Guilt writhing from
your pours. There are
Times Im conflicted-
Did I make the right choice?
Follow the right voice:

I chose to listen to the
Father never to be.
He never saw you as
a blessing but complete
Misery.
Excuse after excuse
Finally promising to
Marry me,
I believed every word in my naivety ~

Perhaps he had a point.
Another breathing being
We had to feed & nurture.
No, I believe the loss
Of unconditional
Love is complete and
utter Torture.

See, he never knew his father.
We were far from kids-
Already in our 20's
Without a home
of our own or
Boundaries. We only
fed each other's emptiness-
The hypothetical:
Black-hole
thats never full.

I went back to school that fall
More like a zombie than
Young woman looking
Forward to the future.
There was a life literally
Forced out of me, an
Intricate part missing forever.

Add that as one more scar
Nobody will ever see
the many times, i fell apart
and had to repair my own
Broken heart - Im a pro
These days.

So numb, I dont feel
the rage. Just keep turning
The page until the book
Is complete, until I kneel
At the mercy of his feet
For forgiveness of my human
weakness...

So you were the
Only TRUE love of my life
My only consolation is I
was wise enough to
Protect you from this
World in all its pain
All the shame-

Because of you I will never be the same.
You will return to me in another
Form or entity -
When I have the chance to create life
Again- the things we take for granted-
Our path so dark & slanted.

Im so much braver now! Its you
who showed me how.

xoxo ~ Crystal.

*Introduction to my family*

My mother Lulu is the youngest of 6 children- 5 girls & 1 boy- each of them had two children each, my uncle has 2 girls & my aunt Betty had 2 boys.

Random fact, except my 2 oldest cousins in Taiwan- all my cousins have Irish/german spouses- as I was sitting at the "cousin's table", I looked around at them- Chinese relatives with significant others that are fair, blond, with blue/green eyes- my boyfriend Matt would fit right in- it was not planned. Even my cousin Alex who is a year younger has been with Maggie for 5 years- shes a tiny blond with big blue eyes who is a children's librarian. they met in Germany but she is from the mid west with an Italian last name.


Our cousin Albert who is the bride's older brother has 2 children with his wife Michele~ Julia & Justin- really the most adorable part of the family so far.

See, Alex, Jeff, & myself are the "youngest first- cousins" but we are all pushing 30, I'd like to say. Ah, there is still 2.5 years for me but im mentally preparing myself since settling down was never a long-term goal, i figure it happens when it happens.

Most of my cousins are 10+ years my senior, Im not intimidated by there age per se just the fact they have more success b/c they have lived longer so they naturally have more experience. Yea, who doesnt think they know it all at 18 or 25. now at 27- there is a part of me who thinks Im set for the next level in life which means stop playing the field (that part is easy with the slim pickings) + get into a career that will provide a steady income.

There was a time when I thought money was everything. Well, we need to provide for our children without depriving ourself - the house, cars, best schools, vacations, clothes, furniture- nothing hand me down - Im the one who gives the clothes away - all the best for my family- whenever that time will be.

Am I too young to focus on babies?

Somebody told me: You are a New Yorker, dont think of marriage until your mid-3o's.

So now, Im starting to believe Im not a "true" New Yorker. Im not even a conventional person. I really am tempted to just elope with my lover. Everyone thinks I like being the center of attention b/c I dress flashy & my body stands out in anything- the truth is, everybody should be part of the "big day".

Truth be told- weddings are celebrations & meant for sharing with loved ones. Still, when you stick a group of people in a room who dont know one another then force them to sit at a table & eat then the real party starts... especially if there is an "open bar"

Like anything else, if the chemistry between the parties is non existent then everyone will get bored. Who needs that? I worry is one person is stressed let alone dozens-

Im going to find a creative way to bring all the ones nearest & dearest in on the festivities without making them want to jump out into their "birthday suit" half way through MY BIG DAY...

Back to my Cousin, Formerly Miss Ma - now, Mrs. GERMER:-)

Ok, Amy never happier. Could it have been the alcohol? As her maid of honor said in her speech: I knew her through the vodka phase, the whiskey phase, the Miller Light with ice phase....what?!
Right away Mick responded: Don't blame me for that! *laughter*

Weddings are a bit rehearsed. They are like a play with different "players/ actors" each time. Its not just this wedding, I fear, its all weddings. Perhaps Im being too general - Im still trying to find a happy medium b/t commitment (being tied down) & singledom (freedom).

The food is always over cooked & mass produced. But this is about the BRIDE, not us enjoying the music, food or company - its not her fault. I DONT blame her one bit- its tradition by society. Its the great circle of life. Its obvious they want children. I wish Amy & Mick the best always, they are really a great couple. Im certainly not one to judge...

At least a bride can say for one night- she had her cake & ate it too.

xoxo C*

PART DEUX (2)

Self Preservation is essential the American way. We can only gain true independence once we realize the only true "bail out" we have is ourself!
I've been the luckiest girl on earth,confession my past indiscretions to some select friends & my aunt who is more like a mother & best friend rolled into one pretty, neat package.

Still, she could not satisfy my deep seated need for affection & for a man who would nurture & protect me unlike my actual father. That coupled with my desire to have beautiful "things" made me an easy target for wealthy men who were equally needy. They had all the spoils but no princess in their castle.

They were not looking for permanence mind you. All they wanted was the false sense of intimacy & control men in "power" live for - its their drug amongst other things. Most of them are super strategic intellects: its nearly impossible to get inside their heads. The only "head" somebody like me could possibly get close to was the little one. This is of course a literal statement.

Im not one to name names, thats part of my own ethical code. I prefer to just write about situations. besides if I called anyone out, nobody would believe me. Im just Crystal H. a 20 something young woman from Queens-)

As fate would have it. The timing could not be more perfect for trouble to brew.

New York City ~ the NEW *devil's playground* PART ONE

New York is the only real city-city. Truman Capote

I'm really rooting for this city, NEW YORK, NY.... its not the city of my childhood fantasies anymore. Sure its always been corrupt, thats the underbelly of any true metropolitan. We have our Rockefellers the we have our "good ~ fellas". This is truly a city for the tough & the brave. You have to have THICK skin to make it through the door.

As a young woman from Queens, "the city" was the place to be. My instincts told me to stay away, maybe it was the bright lights or the glamor, I just could not stay out of the LIGHT, the people, the action. Its not even as if I was chasing after anything.

Since I was in high school, the first thing my friends & I would do after class is grab the 7 train into Manhattan. MTV studios @ Times Sq. was our playground. We stood outside for hours meeting the Djs, hosts, & celebs just to get a glimpse, we got lucky many times to get autographs - we even got a chance to hange out with NSYNC & Backstreet Boys in the studio - Im dating myself now;-)

I was like any other teenage girl today who adores the Jonas Bros or Hannah Montana - I must make ONE admission however, although it was only within the last 10 years, innocence has declined. at that age, just to be in the same room was enough. I remember getting my hand into somebody's limo & their body guard lifted me out of the way. These days teenage girls are "exposing" themselves to grab attention.

It gets worse, grown women are selling themselves to pay the bills. This is what happens when our economy fails us. When greed corrupts a society. Its like a game of Dominoes, it only takes ONE to effect the whole group - at least dominoes are predictable - human nature, in all its intricacies is full of eccentricities.

How did I discover this? I've been keeping my eyes open & keeping sober. Alcohol is the beginning & the end for most men (and women). My connection with GOD has been so much stronger, hence he has given me the vision to see the truth.

Now when I walk into a busy bar where cocktails are over $20, men in suits have a worn-out-looking lady on their lap, I see what is going on. When a man tells me, he can go on Craigs list for a hooker that charges $200 a night, & women are putting themself in physical harm just to feed their children- I see where NY society is heading.

Trust me, Im speaking from experience NOT ignorance. Its surely easy money. Its a slippery slope into the dark - side. Just as what goes up must come down. What once was magnanimous can be overshadowed by evil.

Its tempting when you have NOTHING to lose. When you are being brainwashed by somebody you trusted. Thats why we cannot trust other human beings. As much as we like to turn to even the most rational person we know for guidance, when SURVIVAL trumps spirituality, morality, etc... selfish instincts kick in.

After my first 25 years of going with the flow too readily, lacking real ambition, settling for the average - my internal clock kicked in & accelerated into full gear. Life is a ROAD full of cul de sacs * sharp turns * false exits then you reach a "fork" One way is the tried & true safe... The other is unconventional: it could lead to self mastery & success or failure & pain. The road we choose all depends on our mental / emotional outlook & the people we are exposed to. So you see, its complicated.

Nay fear, there is a light at the end of this tunnel. This is only an introduction to my tunnel of darkness- the entirety of my last couple years can be turned into a novel. the fact that I survived is the true miracle. It was not even my own (free) will. It was my acceptance that Im not strong enough to hack it in New York, yet I keep coming back like a masochist.

Lord, when will I ever learn.



East Side, West Side, all around the town,
The tots sang "Ring-a-rosie," "London Bridge is falling Down";
Boys and Girls together, me and Mamie O'Rorke,
Tripped the light fantastic on the sidewalks of New York.
James W. Blake (1894)

The *p-o-w-e-r-* of POSITIVITY.....some quotations to live by;-)

The beautiful thing about learning is that no one can take it away from you. B.B. King

• Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. Mark Twain

• If someone is going down the wrong road, he doesn’t need motivation to speed him up. What he needs is education to turn him around. Jim Rohn

• Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. David M. Burns

• Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them ~ James Baldwin ~
  

• Tell me and I’ll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I’ll understand. Chinese Proverb

• Education cost money, but then so does ignorance. Claus Moser
  

  It is in fact a part of the function of education to help us escape, not from our own time — for we are bound by that — but from the intellectual and emotional limitations of our time. T.S. Eliot

• If people did not do silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done. Ludwig Wittgenstein

Don't let the opinions of the average man sway you. Dream, and he thinks you're crazy. Succeed, and he thinks you're lucky. Acquire wealth, and he thinks you're greedy. Pay no attention. He simply doesn't understand.
Robert G Allen # Dreams, Success,Understanding, Encouragement,

JEALOUSY - a *short* poem

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
~*OSCAR WILDE

I cordially dedicate this to all the haters & fake friends who have entered & exited my life - there are too many to name - my message here is- if you think you hurt me, the truth is, you have done me a favor- obviously you couldn't live up to my standards so you had to remove yourselves from my life.

To clarify: men who just want to f*ck me & dont care about getting to know me- I already have a guy who cares for me deeply & other men who are my true friends - Females who feel threatened by me- I dont know why, I treat everyone the SAME, Im assuming its more your problem than mine, so deal with it.

I dont ask a lot from "friends" - have a good heart, be sincere, kind, & intelligent - think for yourself & dont follow people into the darkness -

I give so much of myself in personal relationships so naturally, I've gotten pickier in order to preserve some QUALITY over quantity - its nothing personal of course, simply a matter of opinion - if you cannot see my positive messages in my writing or in the way I respect all peoples opinions even if they differ from mine- then its best we cut ties, again, nothing personal...

At this point, Im not putting effort into salvaging relationships that NEVER began or fell apart - there is only so much energy we must RESERVE for ourselves, those who really know me, understand this.

Jealousy is YOUR problem
NOT mine:

Your "insecurity" should
Be a crime.

When your bitterness eats
You up inside.

There's nowhere for you to
Hide.

So you project your fears
Onto me-

I refuse to participate in
YOUR self pity-

If you believe I'm weak for
Speaking my mind

I suggest you try it
Sometime

That is if you have anything
Important to say-

My intelligence can out
Wit you any day.

I see right through the
Bull shit!

That's why I keep going
I refuse to QUIT!!!!

Have a nice LIFE;-)
XoXo C*

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
OSCAR WILDE

Actions Speak LOUDER than words....

"The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn."

I've discovered that its NOT money $ or $EX that makes me "fulfilled"...
The way I was living my life had to change, we have to change inside in order to change our outside environment- Im detached from those PAST people & places - they have been purged out of my life like poison extracted from a snake bite - I was weak willed not so long ago- time has given me my healthy view of the world again.

YOU ATTRACT WHAT YOU ARE....when you're unhealthy, you attract TRASH - Also, the dark is attracted to the light- people who are empty inside feed off the energy of warm & open people, in fact, it is that envy & insecurity within that made them empty to begin with - Make a self affirmation- I BLOCK negative energy & negative people away from me - say it out loud- its like an invisible restraining order- there were a couple people I met this year alone, I almost got an actual one written up...never in my life had I attracted to garbage as this year ALONE _ Im so happy they are out of my life!!! Only the people I choose to keep close have remained;-)

So many people Talk about injustice, they only move their mouths- its time somebody with a vision took more ACTION!!!

Its helping people, representing women as the good -hearted nurturers we were meant to be - its a new found HOPE & spirituality - its inspiration from women like Hilary Clinton, Gloria Steinem, & Marilyn Monroe -

A woman is meant to be soft, sexy, strong, maternal, WOMANLY - not a starving, waif that looks like a 13-year old boy - a woman is not meant to VALUE herself ONLY by her physical appearance, but we do- Its ingrained in us from the time we can comprehend what it MEANS to be feminine- How desirable are we to men?

Men have always objectified women - we are their trophies, their prized :possessions: then they DEGRADE us- we are also their whore, sluts, etc...

No wonder we are confused. Its unfortunate when women, then turn on one another- only adding to the mass hysteria of a woman's identity. I have been a supporter of womens rights & equality but never knew it- I ask myself- Why do I have to have a BIG WHITE wedding or even marry at all - unless I truly loves this man with all my mind, body, & soul....

I realize I do want a proper marriage but not a big wedding to show off to the world- I want marriage so I can have a family- the one I never had- with a mommy & daddy there for their children, TOGETHER as one, ONE unit - unless you have been abandoned, you will never know what torment it feels like- the guilt, the shame- you grow up to blame yourself over & over in your adul relationships- why did he leave me? Why didnt he want me- my own parents didnt want me- it has to be ME.

I sympathized with the lost, abused women int he world- I want to HELP them:

Sometimes those women have turned against me & defended the man who abuses them - in anger, I have said some thing I regret, in a way I dont- its like if you want to come to me for help then defend a monster then maybe, just maybe, you like to be USED - thats the mentality of most people out there- I know its much more complicated than that...

We should never ask- why does HE hurt me- why does he abuse women? You should always ask yourself: WHY DO I STAY?

Nobody can FIX you , but they cam try to HELP you & this is what my fight is about- its not to hurt people- its to HELP them discover their self worth - to gain their self respect again to FIGHT for their deserved freedom - we are not wild animals locked up in a cage- we are human beings who deserve a chance to reach our given potential.

Is this makes me a bitch or a bad person then I dont know what a good person should be- Im not trying to be anybody but myself- my passion is to make others aware of themselves- of their purpose in life then they can be strong enough to stand on their own & feel they have something to live for instead of complaining about their miserable existance, they can walk around with a big smile on their face & be thankful to be alive.

Surviving is NOT enough, ladies, its LIVING....ITS LIFE.

xoxo C*

I have met brave women who are exploring the outer edge of human possibility, with no history to guide them, and with a courage to make themselves vulnerable that I find moving beyond words. ~ Gloria Steinem

My intervention with G-D & some other SUPER - HERO SH*T. (Part ONE)

The meaning of good and bad, of better and worse, is simply helping or hurting. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hello there kids. Before I get started, let me just clarify, Im not a Religious fanatic...there was even a time when i did not believe in god- I was 12 years old, in the 6Th grade:

I remember during our lunch break in the school cafeteria telling my best friend Natalia- God does not exist - I swore she was gonna throw her sloppy ~ joe at me!

GROW up Crystal. She said in a huff. She angrily walked away. I saw her whispering into other people's ear. They gathered in a group collectively scowling at me like I was the devil incarnate. I felt absolutely sick, sick to my stomach.

That was not my first time feeling alienated in life. The problem was, I knew that feeling all to well. Alienation is also an action. It was also a movie: Alien Nation. I can assure you 1. Im not an alien 2. Im not the next David Koresh nor am I the next Dalai Lama.

Perhaps a TRUE messiah will arrive & flip all this incredible hatred around. Lord knows, we need more peace than violence. But Im not a preacher either. So let me get to the POINT of this blog.

Im just a simple gal with "ordinary" powers of persuasion. Im a dork & a socialite but by no means a famous one- Im somewhat popular among my peers- most of my life I was a wallflower until I turned 25 & broke out of the mold society wanted to SUFFOCATE me in.

In some small way, I would like to change the world - show others that you dont have to boxed in or labeled as this way or that- this attitude breeds bitterness. Its already a confusing time for impressionable minds, why cant we just let young people, especially grow on their own. I was quiet & shy b/c at home i was oppressed- I was forced to listen much more than express my own opinion. Perhaps that's why now, i have so much to say but Im also learning to a point they were right - always listen carefully to wiser people. NEVER ever assume. Always ask question, just not the kind that will get you in hot water!

It tool so much internal work. Its hard work that never ends if you want to evolve. It continues with your children,if you choose to have any. Ultimately it ends with you..who are you?

Its NOT your job, your home, your cars, its not how much money you make- all of that can change in an instant- call it Karma or a reversal of fortune- those are all things out of our control.

What do I know? There is constant battle between good & evil. The angel & the devil - no, I wont even put them in the same league as god or Jesus. In the superhero heir achy we have:



Batman, Superman. Spider man, He-man, The transformers, even The Teenage Mutant Turtles - they are SAFE heroes b/c we know they were all created by some comic geek(s). Its okay for us to pour out millions of dollars & hours of our precious times watching these Hollywood blockbusters & reading the comic books, collecting the cards, etc...

Then their is GOD- some argue, another MAN_MADE creation- fair enough. Everyone is entitle to their OPINION. This is a free society.

Then their are not-so free societies bond by strict codes of religion- like Muslims- Im not attacking them. They have a right to believe in the Koran, in fact this is book written by Prophet Mohamed before our grand parent's grandparents were even a twinkle in their parent's eyes. To my knowledge the koran is full of life lessons. Depending how one interprets it, women are not mistreated & sorry, gentlemen, their are not 40 virgins waiting for you in heaven waiting to feed you grapes day & night.

I heard somewhere "grapes" are promised: I think you have to feed ourself=0
Why in the world would an experienced man want a virgin, let alone 40!?! Even if they are drop-dead gorgeous*Boring* This means they are plump with beautiful faces, okay, thats an interesting image. I bet the grapes are soggy and sour...

Younger men dont need a virgin either, they must learn from a woman with some skills...suicide is not the answer. You will never have game if a virgin is your first sexual experience. Killing innocent people is not the answer- pick up hobby. How about.... golf?

Like Spiderman or superman or most recently Bat Man, aptly nicknamed the "Dark Knight" in his last film;-) what do they have in common - for those paying attention. our Bruce Wayne was battling the desire to let the Joker continue on his cruel & crazy ways or take revenge on all the pointless killings he committed. rather passive-aggressively. You, see, the Joker is a lot like the devil- it was never his fault, he doesnt even get accused, cleaver eh- *Cough* They are both grade-A bastards: The devil & The Joker.
They have the evil intent yet they get others, their minions to do the dirt work for them. Human will is weak & the devil knows that-

What the Joker doesnt get is that he is a one trick pony. He is delusional believing he has all the power & control when others see him as a complete joke..hes bitter & alone b/c he cares for nobody, never seeing beyond his own pain & past, I felt sorry that his father permanently mutilated him. This is no excuse to be a bastard -hes the ultimate in selfishness. Unfortunately, he will remain in the darkness with his heart & soul.

*Cliches* have a point: Beware of wolves in sheeps clothing, keep your friends close your enemies closer- one day, the meek shall inherit the earth
You will never be abandoned in your darkest hour, somebody is looking over you, protecting you, have faith & be strong....you dont have to prove yourself, thats the action of FOOLS- be humble & keep your cool.

Jesus was a martyr - he never said take REVENGE on your enemies- he said LOVE your enemies, pray for them. I do.
like all decent people, he took the blame for all the bad things happening in his time - he never fought his enemies, he knew he could never change their minds & he accepted his fate. Today he is an inspiration to millions. Look at Martin Luther King jr. * Ghandi- all men of peace, intellect, & non-violence- they were murdered by COWARDS - only weak people use physical force to get their way.

Do you ever wonder where miracles come from? Why have we become so blind, so jaded that we let hatred over power love- its out there. Thats why no matter how unlucky my life has been, I focus solely on all the blessings in my life.

God or Allah are the ULTIMATE superheros in the Bible, Torah, & Koran - hopefully you connect the "Bat man" analogy. Has the *light bulb* turned on yet?

Ah, if it were only that simple.

The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance.

Socrates (BC 469-BC 399) Greek philosopher of Athens

To be continued....

Booty Calls Part 2.

Read part 1 - please so you have a better understanding of my "situation"

Basically, Im not going to let anyone psh me into random sex so I can feel better about my bf, Matt being away for 4 months. I got 2 signs recently that Im on the "right" path.

1) I was watching MTV- which I rarely do these day & there was a show called: TRUE LIFE - its an hour "reality show" about different topics young people face.
This episode was called: Im celibate.

**Celibacy refers to being unmarried or abstaining from sexual intercourse (i.e., chastity). A vow of celibacy is a promise not to enter into marriage or engage in sexual intercourse.

I caught the show half way through to a young man from the south- good looking & popular- a definite party guy with a lot of friends who chose to be celibate until he found the woman he would MARRY- this was not bullshit folks.

He was being interviewed while driving on his way to a party (he still maintained a healthy social life). I could tell he was not doing this for attention: tears welled up in his eyes as he spoke- there is no great approval than that from god he said. He is highly respected in his "group" & even seen as a role model to his peers.

Why is that? I believe he has a purpose- maybe he was sent a message from up above, who know- this was a message for me as well...

2) I found a website Amazing Angel Stories.
While I was on the train going to Soho to look for a job, I decided to search for inspiring stories- so I got on my blackberry & did a google search where I found this inspiring story appropriately titled: Boyfriend.God. and Angel Story.

As I began reading it & its similarities to mine- shes a Canadian (Im american) and he is British...Hhmmm- it sounded mighty familiar. Naturaly, I began to tear up- then end of the story was the most touching - what this woman said:

The greatest thing I have learned was, a little bit of true faith in God from a genuine and open heart will always show you how GOD AND HIS ANGELS WILL ALWAYS RISE ABOVE EVERYTHING, AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT HE CAN NOT DO FOR YOU. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO RECEIVE WHAT YOU NEED FROM HIM IS TO LEARN TO HAND OVER ANY ISSUE OR DESIRE TO HIM AND THEN TO TRUST HIM COMPLETELY WITH ALL YOUR HEART. THEN YOU WILL SEE HOW PERFECT HIS TIMING IS AND YOU WILL ALWAYS EXPERIENCE THE GREATEST JOY AS YOU REALIZE HOW POWERFUL AND TRUE HIS LOVE IS FOR YOU.

(The angels God sent showed us that two people in love and in unity with God at the center of that love relationship is what brings them the greatest joy.)

I want to do the RIGHT thing by my relationship. Im choosing to not cheat on him now - yes, I have in the past & he knew b/c Im a terrible liar lol;-0

Deep in my heart, i feel its what i must do to keep a clear conscience, this is not holding me back. Im still going to go out & have a great time. We all must practice moderation & self control or we are no better than a wild animal.

What makes us human is our ability to think for ourselves. To make rational decisions-

For every action, there is an equal & opposite reaction.
~Sir Issac Newton.

Think about it=)
Peace out.
xoxo

Beam me up scottie.

Up, up & away.
Candy cane, Mary Jane - its all one in the same:
invincible
Watch my confidence grow: incredible.
Sensations.
Hallucinations. High as a kite.

Shake your ass. Stick it in - make it fast
Theres not too much longer this feeling
Will last- either you take more
Or show yourself to the door.

As you hit your foot to the pavement
You become aware of your enslavement-
There is no power in this powder
Its just your brain turning
Into chowder.

Just as quickly, reality came smashing
Down- this is NOT me...in the light,
Strangers take pity- in the night
You dont feel so shitty.
Shut the f*ck up. Take another hit
Until it makes you forget. Til it
Makes you sick!

Does anyone know the struggle it takes to fight
This thing - the guilt, the shame- nobody
But yourself to blame: life is not meant
To be a game:

It started out so innocent- a one night stand, a helping hand, highly in demand:
no money, no honey.
My mortal mind cant take it anymore.
My morals washed ashore - my spirit shone, broken to the bone.

Im done.
Losing sleep.
Afraid to lose control.
Im not a creep. I deserve unconditional love.

Tough love is heaven sent from above.
If you listen to the angels whisper
Gently into your ear: have no fear.
Be brave. Come back down to earth
Where you have value
Where you have worth.


PS. This a poem I wrote months ago- Im 100% clean today & forever!!!

« ~ What is LoVe ~»

Love is not all about sweet - hearts, cuddles, kisses, & candy - true love is about compassion, forgiveness, & some of our life's greatest lessons of selflessness...

Believe in the "power" of true love - its not about finding that PERFECT
other ~ half... it works both ways - what DO you have to offer another person * what do they have to offer you?

Share: most of us grew up with siblings so we understand the concept: sharing means caring. Unless you were an only child, as you become an "adult", its only natural to be generous with our possessions...

Somebody told me once, its not important to be rich & powerful- family + friendship + love are the most important things in life...when people have too many "things" they become selfish b/c they feel they did it all on their own without anybodys help so why be generous with my time or money - people get a superiority complex...they end up lonely since nobody can love a cold person- perhaps he was speaking from experience- as always, I took the advice in & really listened...maybe he was right..Im not cut out to be alone anyways- most of my life, family has always been close by.

SOUL MATE: a person who comes into your life to show you the path you are meant to take- these relationships are profound as they are painful..at the time, the connection may seem confusing & lead to intense dislike. Thats only bc the bond was meant to be broken in order to GROW.


Ultimately, love brings us out from the "darkness" into the light- to bring joy into our lives, open our hearts to new experiences, broaden our horizons, & give us comfort.

$ MONEY $ : Emotional security & financial security are not mutually exclusive Can I be complete honest? Without a roof over your head or a stable source of income, love cannot flourish- I read somewhere that "money issues" was was the top reason for divorce...

Having loads of dough wont make someone fall in love with you - understand that. This is a material world & we need money to buy us creature comforts, in the end, we are not buried with it, so enjoy it: the positive things you do with your money could bring you admiration that could turn into love- who knows!

Its all about the kind of person you are - what are your values: religion, politics, do you want kids, where do you want to live + most importantly........where is your HEART? If you really want someone to cherish you - make a choice to devote yourself & commit wholeheartedly to someone you know you cannot live without: settling ~ down doesn't mean you have to settle. Stop searching for perfection.

SEX: nothing pains me more than those who say "sex" is the main marker of TRUE love...yes, its important to be physical...yet, physical comfort means so much more than wild sex- you can still love somebody without sex- its maybe not going to be a romantic connection but nobody should judge anyone else relationship unless theirs is perfect...lust is just not love....recognize.


As a rule, when the sex is amazing right away - thats the highlight of the relation...my longest, most meaningful relationships with men were when the sex was ok at first, we got to know one another & everything grew from our experiences getting to know one another- talking, going out to dinner, traveling, enjoying the company of that person...instead of staying in bed eating pizza all day lol. There is always time for that but it cant be all you do together...

Nobody could really TALK about LOVE, its truly a FEELING & an ACTION: an intense, passionate mixture of sparks b/t 2 people. You dont block out the world but CREATE your own world together where you can make a home. Its not supposed to be smooth sailing ALL the time. When you meet that person you will know: LOVE is in the touch & the tears in the shared laughter & fears- it never fades although the light may become dim from time to time - one of you will always start the spark over again...enjoy it when it enters your life. Don't FEAR it. Let it FLOW. If it ends, learn to let it GO with GRACE & accept the next lesson in your LIFE xoxo

Pisces - Rooster: Easts meets West astrology

If you take the terms psychic, intuitive, prophetic and add creative and intensely imaginative, you find just some of the words describing Pisces, the twelfth House of the Western zodiac. The tendency of a Pisces is to work alone; they are capable of high intellectual achievement with a magnetic, mysterious personality. Sensitive, they are usually introverted, seeming constantly afloat inside their inventive mind.

If you take the descriptions flamboyant, well-dressed and groomed, always in the spotlight, you visit the world of those individuals born in the year of the Rooster. Center of attention? You bet.

Now, combine the pair. You think this bird is precariously standing on a lofty perch, and should take care? No, just look at the determined glint in this fellow’s eye. Don’t be fooled by those flashy feathers, arrogant stature and lofty attitude — this is a self-assured and courageous individual. Are the fish floating aimlessly with not a thought, maybe wondering what they are doing up here with this glorious bird? No, you have it all wrong! These are Rooster-fish who have no fear of flying, and are enjoying the strength and extroverted nature the Rooster personality brings to Pisces. They are completely free to enjoy their creative and intellectual pursuits, and willing to step into a well-earned spotlight, accepting their just rewards. Being warmhearted and caring, they now have the ability to give back to others their inventive gifts because of the brave, compassionate and strongly independent spirit supplied by the Rooster.

The flamboyant turns inward while the intuitive turns outward, and the benefit to others is the ingenious creations that result from this strong and powerfully talented individual, the Rooster-Pisces.

What kind of mother...

What kind of mother puts herself first?
A selfish mother is the worst.

It breaks my heart to see
Crack head mothers
Not just on TV
But in reality.

They say: my baby will save my life
Meanwhile they have nothing
No home or marriage
No man wants to call her his wife.

Is that what we are teaching our children.
To abandon moral & tradition
As if they never existed...
Life's wisdom, totally twisted.

So society foots the bill
For another new pill.
A baby is born addicted to drugs:
Never getting enough hugs.

What kind of woman makes this kind of decision
Fighting all logic & intuition
Knowing whats growing within
Was created in sin.

Im so afraid of being a mother one day
Not knowing how to act
Not knowing what to say
Keeping my spirituality in tact.

All we own is our beliefs
Our values and way of life.
I'd protect my babies
With all my might.

Teach them to be strong-
Know that they are loved
And they belong.

What kind of mother would
Teach their children to sing
Anything but a happy song?

Happy Independence Day!!! Heres to new beginnings

Today is the day, our country- the good ole U.S. of America celebrates her freedom. So many people have risked their lives for this great nation- today, many more risk their lives to come here for a "better" life- at what price?

Is it worth having all the things you desire when you are UNHAPPY...do you have to be so TOUGH & selfish to make something of yourself...whatever happened to kindness, honor, freedom, choice, the AMERICAN way?

God knows we are so lucky to be born here. Yes, I feel terrible for those who have to fight just to maintain basic rights- no matter where we come from, we ALL bleed...inside we are all the SAME> perhaps the plain Janes & party poopers had it right all along. Boring is better: its certainly safer.

Seriously, I dont wanna sound like a BROKEN record...

Is it really worth being beautiful, rich, successful, & intelligent? It seems like the faster we rise, the HARDER we fall...Im humble enough to admit, im far from all I aspire to be. I used to think a light shone around me- I still had an aura of innocence. Suddenly, the trials & tribulations of my past returned to haunt me. They were starting to harden my once sanguine spirit.

So many times this past couple of years, I looked in the mirror or caught my reflection...I had NO clue who this person was- this woman who became so driven for material things. I felt so much guilt. Not because of how I figured out to get what I want. The self loathing came from the fact I knew, I got lazy- I was taking the EASY way out- blaming my past pain for reasons to be irresponsible.

What past could a 27 year old have - a lost childhood. Sorrow. Confinement. Abuse. Abandonment...who am I to even complain- I was also given a very cooshy, safe home - two "stable" parents to replace the ones who created me. It seems that all that was never enough!!! Life has kept throwing more challenges.

I had counselors, therapists, doctors try to "evaluate" my personality. In many ways I grew tired of their repetitive questions...I had arrogantly assumed I knew more than them; outsmart intelligent minds. Now I see all that was an illusion- they saw right through the smoke & mirrors. In the end, who is the one who suffers?

Was it my lack there of- an emptiness & void that needed to be fulfilled...Its like a poison has taken over my true self- who injected me with this bitter contempt- I have no actual disease- perhaps a mood disorder nothing that any prescribed MAOI. cant cure!

Now, after all the drama- I want to change- I REALLY want to turn a NEW leaf- start over from scratch- get back to my ROOTS- school, family, a normal job- the whole nine-

I refuse to be one of those sad sorry TRAGIC women- I want to be STRONGER...less selfish, less foolish- the ego has to go- where did it even come from: this NEED to be recognized...for what? A sex object...drug addict... No. The intense creative energy has made me a bit of an eccentric with no sense of direction. The more it has been contained, the more I want to just throw it out there& not care what others think.

Life offers us so many chances. You can go to the TOP schools in the country. Come from the richest family. But who you are deep down reflects through the CHOICES we make...it get us nowhere to try to keep up with the "jones" when they are classless pigs- we should care about those who love us unconditionally. Our character is shown in how we treat our close friends & companions: the truth is, the people who defended me are also the ones who hurt me the most...

Its like, they want to keep me sick because if I actually get better I'll become independent & leave them behind. This will never happen. Its just their irrational fears that have frustrated my growth process.

And as much as I want to see the GOOD in everyone & lord knows, I put that extra KIND gesture towards all who cross my path- I have to OPEN my eyes & see the truth- this sheltered girl is a becoming a WISE woman- my good intentions have been perpetuated on the WRONG people. I see that now.

My "love" for humanity runs very deep- I was just never encourage to love MYSELF. Isn't that 4-letter-word over used: I say love often for lack of a better word to describe the intense emotions rushing through me from time to time.

For a moment, I thought of going back to dancing in "another" club. Cheeky. Now I see how that is also an unwise decision. If only I had loved myself sooner instead of beating myself up inside for accepting abuse- I always believed I deserved it. It ate me up inside ti discover none of it was my fault really, just a victim of circumstance. But acknowledging this epiphany leads to deep truths that can never changed...only accepted.

In many ways, I feel all these experiences make me a better person. Perhaps if Im luck enough to have children myself, I can teach them how to be even better people- that is my wish..until then I choose not to bring another life into this world of confusion. Thats just selfish.

IRONICALLY it was not traveling the world that taught me life's harshest lessons...all I had to do was step right outside my own doorstep. Now the healing can begin=)

All the best. Peace & love. Crystal xoxo

*Inspiring poem by Maya Angelou*

I KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

Older man & younger woman - is it true love or love for all the wrong reasons?

This is a shallow world. Thats NO secret. When we see a man 20 years older than his "girlfriend" we assume- he's using her for sex & she just wants his money. Does society have the right to determine our happiness?

Did anyone ever think that they had a genuine connection? They could really be in love?

Its hard enough trying to fit someone into our specialized lifestyles between work, family, education, friends, and self- there are so many conflicts, however, when 2 people happen to meet & feel that bond, jealousy, envy, and insecurities of others are projected on a couple that simply want to care for one another WITHOUT being judged.

Its unfortunate for those who have not had a tender, sweet relationship with the opposite sex. Our differences are the attraction factor- men & women do think differently on a primal level- we teach one another basic things that we cannot learn from the same sex.

With age. Somebody older or young can open our eyes to different experiences our peers may not comprehend.

To me, the age difference, if both can overcome the social taboo, its truly a pure & beautiful union. Is it really any body's business how 2 seemingly different people came together...in truth, the reason they are together & you are not is because they found a deeper connection beyond material possessions: they found value in the qualities within each other. Thats the treasure most of us never find.

I give couples who step outside the box of "society' so much credit- its brave & shows personal character... This kind of courage comes with age. When I was 20, i didn't quite have the life experience to tell people to F*k themselves when I had a 50 year old man in my life who I cared for .

We had a relationship that defied logic- I was only 10 years older than his oldest daughter but I was completely legal, just months shy of my 21st birthday...I was in between boyfriends. In the end, it was my own brother who ruined my romance. He really like my more age appropriate man who was only 5 years older.

What did we see in each other? He was my opposite in many ways- very respectable, stable, devoted. His daughter liked me a lot. I worked for his nephew who also became a good friend. I met his sister from Israel & nephew who worked for Apple...it was a safe environment- we just fit.

It was not about sex or money- we had long telephone conversations. Went shopping. Had dinner out like any other couple- he provided me with a sense of protection- that which my own father never gave me. He always said if I was not married by 30, he would marry me=)

He inspired me. Taught me a new level of intimacy. I guess I made him feel admired & kept youth & innocence into his life-

I know it was not my imagination. I went back with my ex then a few years later we reconnected once again.... but it just wasn't the same.

There is so much more words can never quantify. Im not sure where he is now or if he is still alive. I know, looking back that I loved him plain & simple....I hope he felt the same way.

ME & my ex Joseph (who I chose to stay with) are still good friends after 7 years. He was my first love after all. But during dinner one night, after too many sangrias, I told him my connection with the "other" man was profound- I know this hurt him as much today as it did 6 years ago when he felt I betrayed him.
Of course life is full of choices.


Do you believe every moment returns again in time? I do. We keep learning the same lessons over again until we learn- it just its you- THIS is the path, Im meant to take. But there is a part of me who will always be the hopeless romantic & wanderer...

One of my favorite SHAKESPEARE quotes:

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts.

New York City Dating Scene...oooooh...please dont take this blog too seriously...

Life is a huge farce, and the advantage of possessing a sense of humour is that it enables one to defy fate with mocking laughter.


Forget an "Ivy league" education... I went to the school of LIFE...I always write from personal experience. Before I was 8 years old I had lived in at least 10 different states including the US virgin islands. One summer, as a teen, an innocent trip to visit my birth parents in Oregon turned out to be the second time they would try to kidnap me- when I was 20, I dated a guy 30 years older & the chemistry was EXPLOSIVE- thats as far as I'll go- READ the BOOK. Coming sometime this decade=)

Now, at the tender age of 27, I'm going back to university in August to continue my higher education- all info Im providing is part truth & part humor- please don't take offense: we all have to learn to laugh at ourselves. Enjoy.

Dating in this city is TOUGH. Unless you are from New York, Manhattan or the outer boroughs: Im a Queens gal myself=) I never cared much for guys in Whitestone, where I grew up. In my teenage years, I ventured on the #7 train to times square, where I discovered older men with jobs, guys from Spain, Canada- I learned there is a bigger world out there than the town you live. It can be intimidating- Im just highlighting the WORST out there- the players, jerks, and losers.

To be completely honest, there are "good" guys in New York. Unfortunately nice & cute doesn't cut it in this city...
The options for women in 2008:

1- The out of town, ivy league educated wanna be yuppie from a small town: he might be cute, sweet, intelligent but he is preppy & needs LOTS of training. He might be an intern or new hire at a big firm. "Mommy & daddy's" money got him far- it helped him pay for his loft aka bachelor pad on Wall street- he might be a genuinely nice guy but ZERO personality and/or life experience- he's good for an older woman who doesn't mind a little fun in bed + is turned on by INEXPERIENCE.

2- The middle aged Millionaire: He's self made. successful, charming, intelligent guy who seems to have it all- the business(s), the apartment(s), the passion- he is never boring. He wines & dines you & he is pretty hot in bed- the first time you meet he touches you, you melt....he gets you in bed & hes still Mr. Wonderful...suddenly you're moving in- going on mini vacations to the Bahamas, meeting his friends (not his family, yet....). Quickies sessions in the bathroom. Could life get any better...

Ok, this man might seem perfect. Its a front. This doe not make him a bad person because he will never commit- to you or any other fabulous woman. In fact, he would not know how to recognize the perfect woman if her lips were in between his legs - to his benefit, he never makes promises. he lets you know he cares about you but want to keep options open. If hes a decent person, he will be upfront.

Just remember: you cannot change him no matter what you do or say- dont take him on as a charity case thinking you're that one woman in 40 years who will make him commit 100%

3. The promoter- he gets you into all the parties & life is fun, exciting, sexy- you're never bored- neither are the other 100 women he is sleeping with/flirting with/promising he will introduce her to so & so & make her into a STAR...whatever you do~ don't sleep with him: he will still get you into parties- jut learn how to be a master FLIRT...trust me, its not worth getting an STD just to skip the line into a club- there will always be another club & another sleezy promoter trying to f'k you.

4. The European- hes got the accent, fashion sense, romance- he's just oozes sex appeal & he wants YOU....think twice- he want to get you in bed & he knows its easy- all he has to do is TALK. Unless he takes you to dinner & NOT straight to his apartment- again, just keep it light....give him a pair of your underwear- European men love that! On the plus side, they are much more open minded about social taboos- if you're a free spirit, this man might be your perfect match- just dont expect him to be available when you need a real connection...he just wants you for your body.

5. The douche bag- hes broke, drug dealer, coke head, toy boy (in his mind)...whats wrong with this guy? Everything: he never has enough money, sex is unsatisfying Unless he has a big d*ck, there is nothing this guy has that women would want...to any rational, smart woman at least, yet he still has a way of justifying his bad attitude + behavior. Unfortunately women fall for him & he gets them evicted or thrown in jail- there isn't much to add here but please STAY AWAY - he is made for that lonely desperate middle aged woman or the young pretty one who is impressed by his ability to weave words around her pretty head...beware.

6. The trust fund baby (boy). He cannot do anything spontaneous unless he calls the lawyer who is holding on to his money for decades- his bank account may NEVER run out,but your patience will. He is spoiled & used to getting his way ALL the time. When you tell him you have to work, hes confused. He probably is emotionally & sexually attached to you if he even considers you his girlfriend- ultimately he will end up with another trust fund baby or he will still date you & take "Victoria" to the Hamptons instead so you can slave over your ordinary office job while he parties his life away. The benefit is, you get to fly out Europe during christmas & bbqs all summer long at his multi milion dollar vacations homes: which he inherited.

7. Mr. Merrily Married- He's so happy- he's got the career, kids, & perfect Trophy wife and to top it off with a big juicy cherry....he's got you ~ young, hot, just a phone call away- its a fun & spontaneous union from the START- sex in 5 star hotels- sex in the elevator- he treats you to room service in the morning- you can check out at your leisure- the problem is: he's NOT there when you wake up- he went back to his "normal" life.

This man leads a double life of sorts- by DAY he's a savvy lawyer, devoted DAD, hospitable hubby- but he is BORED...he needs excitement, variety- hes got some extra cash so he can afford the fancy hotels & a lovely lady to wine & dine when he feels his real life is caving in- besides he wasn't a bachelor too long ago- he may promise you: I will leave my wife...He WONT.
After months, possibly years of JERKING you around he suddenly has an EPIPHANY ~ Really I love my family- how could I disappoint my parents or separate MY children from their mother...at this point you're so in love with his SORRY ass.

Remember, you're not in love with him- as strange as i seems- meeting up at hotels for steamy 2AM trysts doesn't = an actual relationship. He may have opened up about his rough childhood or how he cant stand his wife's mother- that is just a moment of vulnerability- men have them too & later on, after the passion & lust dies, he will regret ever telling you these things. So do yourself a favor & don't get emotionally attached to this man.

Great sex NEVER = love.

The men mentioned above are just some I've come across or heard horror stories about from other women in NYC.

Have you ever met any of these guys or a combo...this is what I have found in New York, luckily, Im sticking with my British boyfriend- contrary to appearance, I believe whole heartedly he's one of my soul mates- we just go that "connection": whats 3500 miles + the great Atlantic Ocean-

“Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person.”

the prospects are scary out there. besides I quite like being "taken".

The SEAL of SOLOMON: If you dont believe in Religion or astrology Beware....

Sir Winston Churchill:
Truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it and ignorance may deride it, but, in the end, there it is.



Its a little known fact that The 3 Wise men were Astrologers/Astronomers who predicted that "Baby Jesus" would be born when Saturn "conjuncts" Jupiter in Pisces.

The planets would also make a configuration we know today as: The Star of David

If you understand astrology configurations- Trines, for example which is basically 3 planets connected by 120 degrees. A grand trine is 3 planets in the same element such as Air, Fire, Earth, or Water.

A kite is an "extension" of the grand trine with a mini triangle connected to the bottom- 3 planets (90 degrees apart) form a sextile aspect- the pinacle of this triange opposes a planet in the trine - it actually looks like a kite which is how it was named.

The "Seal of Solomon" is similar to THE STAR of david - yet its enclosed in a circle (like a natal chart) and specifically Air & Fire respectfully.

Jesus was also supposedly born in March, Christmas used to be celebrated in March- during the time of pisces- this is why the "fish" is the symbol of jesus:



Please read my next blog explaining how this is connected to me...Thank you for reading this far. Crystal xoxo

Relationship Advice: What does it mean when a man tells YOU- "Im busy"

Excuses, excuses, excuses....

Whatever you do, DON'T nag him!!!

I'm busy means either: 1- He's busy: But seriously, is he the PRESIDENT???

2- He's TOO busy for you = He's not interested in you. Hey, at least he took time out of his "busy" schedule to RESPOND...if he IGNORES you all together ~ FORGET him=)

3- He is already taken- emotionally/physically: men can get "emotionally" attached to a woman as much as we do- the difference is- men are not comfortable feeling vulnerable..in rare cases, they PUSH a woman away to avoid getting too attached.

If a man has a "regular" lady but doesn't want to LOSE you- he will never talk about the other woman & make you feel like the only one so he can keep his options open...remember that 2 can play that game..if you're not getting the attention you deserve, get smart & find a man who wants you in his WORLD not just hanging around in his life.

Honey, trust me, I know, its easier said than done. Especially if the sex was very good...it was probably even BETTER for him. So why doesn't he take the time to get to know you better- the REAL you. The INNER you & NOT just your body?

For starters, if he is a busy successful guy- work is his PRIORITY. On the other hand, when he has a couple days of "down time" he has most likely have a bevy of beauties stored in his BLACKBERRY.

YOu might be ONE on his list but NOT #1.

So to protect your heart, do yourself a favor...keep your options open- have fun. If there was a real connection- he will miss you & maybe give in to am ACTUAL date instead of a booty call- this takes lots of time & patience on YOUR part.

I made this mistake many times & pushed the relationship fell steam ahead, not knowing what I REALLY wanted then when he wanted me, I backed off- its a game that can become draining, confusing, & boring- if the challenge gets PLAYED OUT...there comes a point when you want the game to STOP.

If he really cares & respects you he will find a way to let you know- he won't F*ck with your head. And most of all, he will make TIME for you because he knows what a wonderful woman he has waiting in the wings.

NOTE: Don't wait around for a man. always have your own interests- pick up a hobby- learn to enjoy your own company- make new girl friends- anything to distract from a guy- Its the HARDEST thing in the world to accomplish.

Men have a STRONG needy radar, I have learned- MOST of them sense any sign of weakness, they RUN for the hills- then they come back around when THEY need you- its up to you to decide if this is the kind of man you want.

Men who play these kinds of games usually did not have a nurturing relationship from their parents, particularly their MOTHER. I believe the parent of the "opposite sex" determines how we treat our significant others as adults- assuming you are heterosexual.

Men who have not MATURED EMOTIONALLY will keep reliving the relationship they had with their parent(s) until someone they really fall in love with points it out or they decide to change themselves because they are tired of being frustrated & lonely in intimate relationships.

If you have any once of self respect- stand up for yourself. The best thing to do with this kind of CONFUSING & HURTFUL treatment is walk away. Anyone with a conscious given time will see they were WRONG. I've been told by exes who I left that I was the best girlfriend they ever had bc I learned NOT to take their shit!!! Ladies, the longer you stay with a B*stard, the less he will RESPECT you. Believe it...

Break ups are never pleasant. Still, I walked away & never looked back, they still try to contact me via email or telephone- although I've changed my number more than shoes...Im harder to reach than secret service!

Men ALWAYS remember the "one that got away" ~ they usually think fondly of the good times- most dont really appreciate that YOU stood by him through the bad times b/c he felt UNWORTHY of love so he turns his own self loathing onto his "partner". Its NOT fair. Its the TRUTH: when you don't love yourself, you cannot love anybody else.

There are only so many emotional hooks we can use before we run out. If we don't learn to communicate better with the opposite sex, breakups & divorce rates will keep growing ~ families will broken. And children will grow up to be the inconsiderate a**holes who complain about today.

Practice Kindness, forgiveness, patience, & understanding - nurture your current relationship instead of having one foot out the door- something Im guilty of...

I guess if you have found your SOUL MATE- then give it all you got ladies. However, if he's just a jerk who has no RESPECT for you & your emotions, then walk away...and NEVER look back.

(I give the same advice to Women, we still have a long way to go too.)

Peace & Love,

Crystal xoxo