Mothers Day Poem (2009)

A *mother* is a source of strength.
She knows how to turn a frown
Up-side down!!
Her hugs are ALWAYS at arms length.

My *mother's* heart is sincere
And true.
Not to mention her presence and
Her fashion sense:
In her patience & acceptance,
Our bond grew!!

Momma Fifi,
There are not enough words
To express how much
mean to me!!

Happy MOTHER'S DAY*~

XOXO.
Crystal:))

Drifting (new poem)

Streaming in and out of conscious thought
Screaming inside - out tongue tied knot.

As feelings faded
For the one I left behind
Our bond dissipated

We fell apart:
Searching for a brand new start...

I see you through hazel eyes
Green, gold, and wise.

You - full of force
On the brink of
an emotional divorce.

Your mind is narrow,
I pick at it like marrow.
Your words get caught
Between my lips-

Romanticizing innocence
Of a first kiss...
anticipating Bliss.

You pull me close:
grip my hips
I pull away
leave lust for another day.

Our emotions are aligned:
Laughter perfectly timed.

In the privacy of your place
Our thoughts begin to race.

In public you hold my hand
I let you be in Command
You believe I'm in your grasp.

Im practicing restraint*
You couldnt make me relapse.

In bed you hold me close
You watch me sleep
Like a blooming rose.

You dont know how much
I want to run-
Drift off into the sun.

Love or infatuation?
Something above
is assessing the situation.

Let me drift along the stream
Into your steady arms
Out of an ephemeral dream.

XOXO ~ Crystal

GLOBAL GIVING - why is it so important?

****It starts @ home - New Yorkers please join www.nycares.org***

We are all spoiled. Even the poorest people in America can get 3 - HOT- square meals a day. I know because I volunteered in a "Soup Kitchen" in the basement of St. John Divine Church in Harlem, NY.

Living in New York since, I was 8 - I've seen my fair share of suffering - it broke my heart to see children & teenagers close to my age sitting on a dirty street corner with signs. at the time, I was naive to think that they had chosen that lifestyle - NOBODY chooses to be homeless.

I always felt sorry for any man, woman or child who had to beg for spare change: my memory has retained a few poignant situations:

1- A man was getting arrested as I handed him a dollar bill, the cops were picking him off the dirty floor & his scrawny fingers were still reaching for my hand.

2. In the winter of 2001, my friends & I were walking up Lexington ave. & an old woman was wrapped up in a blanket in the middle of the side walk- as my friends passed her, i stopped & took off my gloves- she didn't want to take them but I placed them on her lap & walked away quickly - when I caught up with my group, they asked me: what happened to yor gloves? I didnt say anything.

3. recently, on my way to class, a man was wrapped up on Broadway on top of the train station stairs - everyone just walked by him - it was windy but I caught a glimpse of his face - he had long hair & a long brown beard - I didnt make eye contact with him but ran to the Gyro guy on the corner - I bought the homeless man a plain hotdog- when I returned his entire face was wrapped up so I left it by his side, wrapped up in tin foil.
As a n old lady walked by, I was kneeling beside him & she gave me a dirty look....

This are just a few times, I reached out a hand to a stranger. Every time, tears welled up in my eyes...I never bragged to anyone about those things, in fact, now is the first time, Im writing this down!!

Yesterday, I had an epiphany - all the compassion bottled up inside me has to be released constructively...Im ready to release LOVE - genuinely, the kind of emotion that is given unconditionally. The universe always gives you what you deserve.. there have been times I was down & out - in the dumps, felt lower than dirt, hit rock bottom...get the idea??

Today, I'm NONE of those things. Why? because Im finding my purpose in the cosmos: my place in this world has been revealed slowly yet surely. It took 28 years to get here...who knows what another 28 years will bring!!

I lost a baby when i was 23. I dont think I ever got over it to this day. When you carry life inside you, its transforming. I never really wanted children mainly because of my childhood although there were some happy times like a family trip to Disney World, they were few & far between. How many kids were KIDNAPPED by their parents twice??

There are enough displaced babies in this world. In my heart of hearts, I always wanted to adopt. better yet, I'd like to Volunteer in a 3rd world country orphange. We can play with the children, feed them, read to them - give them the nurturing & affection they never had.

I KNOW what its like to be abused, abandoned, alone, hungry, afraid - I was blessed with a gift: it may make certain people "uncomfortable". Thats ok. I had been ADVISED to use it wisely. All those RAW scars are ready to HEAL.

So many of our DREAMS go unrecognized. so many talents NEVER reach their full potential - I hope with enough HEART & PASSION, my own vision of a unified world come to fruition. We are one no matter how different we appear, no matter what religion we practice, we come from the SAME seed - if we dont get light or care, we wilt into NOTHING. We all have the SAME potential...why do you HIDE behind someone elses shadow?

Traumatic (PTSD) would be the best description of my first 8 years on this earth.
I'm not pretending to be a SAINT - I am 100% human with flaws & all. I had been extremely LUCKY. I was saved for a reason - adopted by my aunt & her husband. We had our ups & downs which made us stronger as a family. Despite all that we survived.

I see my peers making their mark in the world & its exciting to see others find success in what they are good at.
My GREATEST fear is becoming my mother Lulu- she's a slave to her mundane life- she abandoned her 2 children (Jeffrey & I) for her husband, my father William. She still pines over him as if hes the most wonderful person alive. They managed to stay married. I suppose they have a "sick" sort of romance. Trough many FAILED relationships, I forced myself not to become HER....the idea terrifies me...its definitely a battle b/t whats FAMILIAR & whats RIGHT. I'm here to break the cycle: to create a NEW mold.

Sacrifice & service or in my DNA - I cant change my desire to nurture & care for people - I had been going about it backwards - people who dont really need me, they just used me when they were not well then threw me away like yesterday's news once they were "better".
I had boyfriends who fell head - over-heals only to break up b/c I'm too difficult EMOTIONALLY. yea, I was the perfect girlfriend until _______.

I cant take back the countess hours of telephone conversations with friends where I listened to them whine about a boyfriend or their job or their dysfunctional parent then act too busy when I wanted to talk - it made me a stronger person & less needy.

Time has made me more harsh & even blunt with those who try to manipulate me...I'm learning peace comes from within. Once you find it only then can you SHINE or LIGHT onto others.

Instead of throwing a pity party - I want to make a positive difference on myself & the WORLD - if I have the power to heal & inspire those close to me...I must test the waters ABROAD.

If anything positive come from the experience, I will appreciate my life much more. Some of the shame in my past will always exist. Perhaps thats what lingers. We can't go back- we can only move towards a better & brighter future.
All the best.

Crystal xoxo.

*Superficiality*

This world is made of the "Surface"
Sex & lies - is it worth it?
I made my attempts to
"fit in"
Lived a life of sin...

Did just about anything:
"To win"
And for what?
To be called a slut!

Its simply NOT me
To TAKE opportunity
In another person's
Misery.

I may have been Naive
But I'm not a thief
Stealing hearts in the night
Doing wrong
when my soul knows whats right...

A messenger,
A fallen angel:
In the early morning light
I can hear their voices
yet they are no where
In sight.

I dig deeper
below the surface
in this pain
in this confusion
Striving in a world of illusion

Eradicate Ecstasy
The world becomes too real
Materialism plagues our spirit:
We forget how to feel.

Take temptation
To another level
Of sensation:
Dont let her control you
In the shallowness of
Society -

Let your passion
Unfold you.


XOXO. Crystal

Nurturing self vs. nurturing Others...

We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it.
John Lennon

Being able to NURTURE & inspire whether its people, plants, or animals is a GIFT. Its self less. Its "altruism" at its FINEST:)

What about YOURSELF?

Personally, I have been known to look after complete strangers. I make friends easily with woman who have children. As a teenager, I watched after my 90 year old neighbor Mrs. Connetta who has since died @ the ripe old age of 102!

Talking to a friend the other day, I began to realize my connection to the lost, old, needy etc... many "psychic" had told me while reading my palms that I'm an old soul. There are many of us out there, you dont have to be psychic to acknowledge that.

on the phone last night, my friend Steve, who has come in & of my life these past few months reiterated: Crystal, you are a 37 year old in a 20-something body....that comment always makes me smile.

Well, if I am an old soul then Im far from a perfect one! See, old souls are supposed to have learned certain lessons about life in its INFINITE wisdom...somehow, I still find myself still learning SIMPLE stuff about human relations....

certain concepts that seem so trivial to others elude me. perhaps thats why Im so fascinated with astrology. It has at the very least helped me understand myself better & others too.
Foolishly< there are times when I believe that i can nurture MYSELF better than anyone else ever could - only to discover thats completely wrong.

Part of learning personal humility is admitting as well as accepting that we cant do it all on our own - there are times we must admit we need HELP!
Especially from somebody who is STRONGER than ourself...

ONE valuable lesson learned was my uncanny ability to show love & care to others yet neglect myself & become so hard on myself that i get physically & emotionally ill - outwardly it turns into RESENTMENT. The aftermath?

I lost quite a few PRECIOUS relationships. This I can admit & Im trying to change.

recently, another SPIRITUAL person gave me advice that was very helpful. Upon admitting I have this problem controlling emotions he replied:

Over react: This is definitely not good as it may result in loosing special ones. I used to be like this but not anymore.

It just the matter of realization of your inner strength. You can be an ocean of patience and absorb all the negativity.
ah...it just hit a new topic to write a note...
take care and don't stress out. You are beautiful person.

Something CLICKED! Im thinking: WOW. Such simple words have touched my heart & inspired me to CHANGE the way I have been thinking...so thank you FRIEND XOXO.

All the best,
Crystal.

"Keep your Friends *close* BUT your Enemies closer!!!

"Revenge is a dish best served cold"

Listen people, what I learned about ANGER towards somebody who has upset you is simple - ITS NOT WORTH IT...

When someone goes out of their way to hurt you, its because 1- they have nothing better to do. 2- They are mean spirited 3- esoterically, my personal favorite~ there is some past -life drama going on...

REVENGE is simply NOT worth the time or effort! WHY? Its just a waste of energy. MOST importantly, it gives the OTHER person power. Thats EXACTLY what they WANT.

I actually knew someone, surprise, an ex boyfriend - who planned revenge on a kid who stole money from him, money that another friend gave him to buy weed. This EX now lives in China, hes not Chinese but Polish. He just must have been so bitter he had to run to the other side of the world lol.

Who am I to judge. We have all had "revenge" fantasies. Its best that we keep them inside our little brains: pretty please?

So take the high road. Yea, its easier said than done. In the end, you will come out the BETTER person!!!

To laugh often and love much... to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to give one's self... this is to have succeeded.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson:))

All the best,

Crystal xoxo.

SHE's Just NOT that into YOU: I could tell you why: then it wouldn't be a secret!

I was bored today, snowed in, & recovering from a cold. Found the "trailer" for the new movie & decided to search for Quotes from the Best selling book: "He's Just Not That into You".

For the record, I never bought this book or believed the guy who wrote it: Greg. and he had a "female" co-author Liz, but he takes ALL the credit > T*Y*P*I*C*A*L

Was this guy a FOOL for spilling the beans on the way men operate....

Some say its still a MAN's world. This book just proves it b/c its mainly from the MALE perspective - I have skimmed through the book & watched this man on OPRAH - its been 4 years. This CONCEPT will not go away.

Sure, I get it. Men are essentially cave men - on the hunt while women WAIT around thats the natural order of things for MILLIONS of years. Same in the animal kingdom - the only aggressive females are Black Widows & Praying Mantis - who eat their mate during & after conception -

I'm not the aggressive, TYPE-A- however, Im competitive. I also learned that if we WAIT for a man to pick us- 9 times out of 10, its a man we dont want. Most men, especially powerful ones - secretly enjoy being dominated.

They might marry Miss Safety blanket yet have spicy affairs with miss freak- between the sheets- if he finds a woman who can satisfy BOTH Madonna-whore complexes he's lucky.

So whats the purpose of this book ladies? Its not to teach us how to get laid it to to show us signs that he isn't on our team - so where is he? In a strip club, in a seedy bar, watching ESPN jerking off? WRONG.

Men have feelings just as much as women. This man who wrote this book was obviously scorned & believe me, sister, men can be just as spiteful as women & when their EGO is bruised - lets not go there: HUGH HEFNER ( still got love your you gramps).

Men will build Empires (or write silly books) to avoid feeling any pain. Women, we cry to our friends then veg out for a few weeks with a pint of ice cream watching old movies. One night stands are another option, those can get messy & turn out to be a waste of time.

What if for once, a woman stood up & told a man- I'm just not that into you because you are a lying, cheating, shady son of a gun - a man who cannot tell the women he loves the TRUTH is a no good coward anyways....

Men, you'd be surprised if you told your lady the truth from your heart - not your PENIS how understanding she would be - it hurts more to be caught in a lie - if these childish games weren't played- this man would never would have become a famous gazzilionaire exposing your B.S.

xoxo Crystal

Enjoy the quotes from the book:

EDIT YOUR DATING VOCAB~

"Friend" - A person who is your "pal" - generally means hes just not that into you.

"Busy" - means I'm the president of the United States. I'm on another planet. I'm in a really successful band - again, he's saying- I'm just not that into you.

This guy is brilliant. He goes out with you, dates you, breaks up with you, then continues to sleep with you, which basically absolves him of all responsibility toward your feelings. After all, you're not going out anymore. It's genius! It's diabolical! He should be writing a book! In fact, I bet this guy could get his own little cult going if he wanted to. And let me guess, you'd be happy to sign up for that as well. For the record, this guy doesn't "like you so much that he can't stop being around you." Because here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: they don't break up with you. This guy is seriously not into you, it's crazy. The only way you're going to figure out how into you you are ... is how fast you get rid of him.


He will always be able to play the "friend" card on you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. He's got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to. He may be one of your closest friends, but I'm sorry to say ... as a boyfriend, he's just not that into you.

Standard raising suggestions:
(I will not date a man who~)

a- Keeps me waiting on the phone.

b-Is not sure he wants to date me.

c-Makes me feel sexually undesirable.

d- Drinks or does drugs to the extent that makes me feel uncomfortable

e - FEARS talking about our FUTURE.

f - IS MARRIED!!!



Anyone have any thoughts/opinions on this topic?

*Break-ups are Beautiful*

Relationships have always been an intricate part of my life. I had my first kiss at 13 with a boy around the corner- we were summer sweethearts -he was not my first "official" boyfriend - once school started, he began dating my friend who introduced us & I was happy for them.

We all deserve to be with the one who brings out our best NOT our worst.

At 17, i was sent to a co -ED Boarding School in Kingston, PA. It was a former Seminary (for nuns) in the mountains. the closest CITY is called Willes-Barre. I had a crush on a tall hockey player from the Chech Republic. His name was Lucaj Palvacheck - very European. He was a nice guy. A mutual friend hooked us up. But something was missing - communication for one, his accent was too thick his English was worse.

It was not heart - breaking. Just dissapointing. When we are younger, whether we date someone for one week or one month, saying GOOD-BYE feels like a death. Like a piece of you is missing. An uncle used to say to me: remember, we are born lone. We die alone.
What a philosophy! Its only an opinion. Right?

As a writer & constant communicator, i always knew the person I'm meant to be with could at least speak the same language. As I got more "relationship" & LIFE experience, I discovered speaking the SAME language meant more than the English language:)

When you share your TIME with someone, you dont always have to talk - body language works just fine in an intimate bond. But at the end of the day - communication is about being selfless- its about teling your partner things that you would never tell anybody else bc when you look into that person's eyes you see they really care- they wont tease you or exploit you- you see LOVE & total TRUST -

I learned if you or the person you are dating cannot do that at any point in the affair then its best to walk away.

I never would have learned simple lessons like this if I didn't take the chance. So why are break ups beautiful?

Well, if you loved someone then a breakup is NOT the end- its the beginning of a new phase of your relationship. Its an exciting NEW chapter in your life as well - you moved on & hopefully gained valuable information about yourself. Through the experience, you learned what you don't want, what you can handle - what are your limits in love- how much of yourself are you willing to sacrifice for another person.

Personally, I gave long distance more than one shot. It could have been right. Timing is a valuable factor that most of us ignore b/c FEELINGS are more powerful than logic - unless you are a cold blooded soci path & trust me, they are out there - luckily, I steer clear of those unemotional types *YIKES*

If you take the positive from a break up, its definitely NOT the end of the world. Its a time for GROWTH & ACCEPTANCE. Again, its part of LIFE.
All the best,
Crystal.

UNSPOKEN.

You & I were always better off face to face
When we were in the same place.
Maybe we were meant to meet
But the timing was wrong-

I always felt comfort in your arms -
Always felt safe as if I was
protected from harm- it was
almost immediate comfort.
Underneath it all was uneasiness...

It was something we both 'knew'
all along.
You gotta give us credit:
there were so many elements
Going against us
perhaps it was love
We just hopped on
the bus too soon.

There were emotions emitted
An exchanging of ideas
That was you after a few beers.
The chemical reaction was unreal
As we spoke until day break.

I'm surpirsed we didnt get kicked out
With only half a cup of black coffee
and your unsavory "tea"
Maybe they saw the magic:
You said in a moment-
I was your destiny.


Something felt real & immediate
In the bright light- my makeup
Slowly slipping off & my blonde
Hair extensions concealing my
Weariness.

We decided to cab it back to your hotel
Across town, for once traffic wasn't hell-
It was after Christmas but before the
"New year"- how did you find
Me all they way over there?

Was it my decision to become a lady of
the night - its NOT what it sounds
like - I always preferred the light.
It must have been your
Trans-atlantic flight:
You had just got in.

Within hours - we met, became one
then set off into the sun, that was only
The beginning- neither of us were ready
For what was already begun.

Crystal xoxo.

Original Poetry- for things left unspoken, enjoy:)

So you say Im much too emotional for you to handle-
Im just another piece of ass for your mantle.
You knew when we met
My emotions flow like the ocean
Im full of spite & sweet devotion.

A paradox who cannot
Be placed neatly into
A box.
Still raise your fists
To the bitter truth
yet here it is:
Our burden of proof.
I believed together we could heal -
How much of this "love" was real?

You always knew what you wanted to say
You were just waiting for the :proper: day.
Waiting to put the blame on me
Attacking the core of my insecurity.

I told you that I wanted more
Now you have a sore ego-
How long could we go
With all this baggage?

How do we manage
To damage the one who
We're meant to love most?
I never know how to react
Always on the attack-
That was something you
Could never accept.

So I walked away as graceful
As I could.
Just know, inside I wept.
Love doesn't FADE away
In one day.

Crystal ~ 2009

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Am I heartless? I could careless.
Losing a love is not new to me-
Its part of life & its reality.

Your self denial was a turn off
Life's a game, I called your bluff
Since I had enough
Of your lies behind
Those luminous
Green eyes
I saw the truth.
In your mouth
I tasted lies
Still I stuck around
Maybe I was bored
Or just wanted to see the world
With someone who resembled
A friend
But in the end
Thats all you became -
Another man to "jump ship"
After being attached at my hip
For two years - you realized that
You could not catch all my falling tears.

Crystal 2009

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some men prefer their women messed - up
Knocked around & unstable.
I can be all those things but I prefer my
Men mature & able to put food on
the table.

Marriage has never been my cup of tea -
I value my freedom, not an invasion
On my vulnerability.

I'm only a phone call away.
You say thats too far.
You want someone close enough
To touch everyday-

You want a wife to come home
To - I thought you wanted me
After all this time waiting
Like a fool.

So the miles that kept us strong
Now sing a sad sad song ~
Its impossible to "bond"
From across such a large pond.

You said you are a money driven man.
Whats your master plan?
Do you still want to get rich quick?

Since I decided to stay where I am.
Maybe I should look for a new man.
Part of me misses you & part of me wants
To run away - Its up in the air
Im taking life day by day.

Remember I'm the one with the
4-leaf clover: far too clever to
stay.
Not content with your shades of gray.

Lady luck is always on my side.
While you justify your reasons
Im too busy turning the tide.

The stars are not guiding me
Its something greater
Than us
Its a little - big voice
That I've learned to trust.

Crystal 2009

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Im not closing any more
OPEN doors.
Ambition writhing through
my pores.

Im leaving the world we
Created behind.
This sign of growth is
A positive sign.

You met me on the hustle
In the city that never sleeps
With all its manic bustle.

neither of us were who we appeared
To be:
Our true identities were lost in
fantasy.

Somehow I believed that we would be
happy here.
You always needed me there.
Its a risky move, not many are
Willing to take
So we decided to break.

Right now the resentment is too strong.
with you is where I wanted to belong
But I lived long enough to know
You cant swim against the current
You must go with the flow &
Let go.