An unexamined life is not worth living.
~“Socrates.
My whole struggle has been torn between “love for one & love for all“- Im dedicated & intense enough to give my love to one man, have children, be a good wife & mother. Then again, anytime I had put all my energy into one person or project, I lose myself in the process- my identity is based solely on where I put my heart & energy day to day.
Work could be where Im most dedicated if I could separate my emotions from my daily routine. However, to me, its all the same. Anything, place, or person who becomes part of my “routine” always has a place in my heart- hence, I put my heart into most everything I do. Im not saying Im superior to anyone- there are plenty of warm, positive people who we all gravitate towards. Its not about what the general public deems attractive. Its the LARGER than life energy in their presence.
For awhile as a teenager, I believed my calling was to be a NUN- sometimes, I stillfeel that calling. Its hard to shake because I do enjoy my body & sex. There was a time when I hated my curves. Especially my breast. Sexuality was dirty to me. But no matter how I acted, my breasts took center stage. I was automatically seen as a sexual being, even a slut. So I decided to be who everyone thought I was...needless to say, that was a short phase but a recurring one. Now, Im back to my holier than thou attitude- well, I still want to fool around but something stops me from taking it all the way. i could be half naked with a man & not want to have sex. I just want him to hold me.
To be honest. Most people I have met seem mediocre. Im extremely selective who I hang out with. I think the show Entourage is brilliant- “Lets hug it out bitch!” But Im not a fan of walking around with 10 people. I prefer my small intimate group to dance drink, & laugh. The only thing Im missing is my man. I have one but hes so far away- we have a bond that keeps us together. I just told him that I have to get out & live my life. he doesnt want to lose me. STill, I have a need to make something of myself. A drive to help people, to stand out from the crowd.
Everyone wants to be remembered. To some extent we all make an impression on someone. Those who are lucky enough leave behind a legacy. I say luck loosely. Some of us are born into it while others put in countless hours of hard work. Never discount the saying:
“Its not WHAT you know. Its WHO you know.”
There is truth to that statement. Ask anyone well known and successful in their own right - even they will talk about someone helping them out early on in their endeavor to make themselves public figures in society. Was it a case of being in the right case at the right time...perhaps. Timing is everything after all.
The beauty of life is its complete and utter randomness. Its imperfections make us strive to be better Without them we would all be satisfied with the status quo. Instead, we are never satisfied - our drive, passion, motivation stems from our desire for change - out with the old & in with the new. Whether its as superficial as fashion or as deep as social reform - the world will never stop moving. In fact, no matter what we go through as individuals, we must realize life goes on.
For someone sensitive. Its easy to get disappointed in the easy come, easy go attitude of people. The harder we work to obtain something, the more effort we put into keeping it. Easy connections are often used and abused. Retrospection is viewed as only something for sappy people who cant let go of the past.
Its so simple to tell me- move on! Let it go...I have given the same advice to others. yet, I cant help but look back to try to figure out what went wrong...why cant this person forgive me or conversely. why can’t I forgive them? All this over thinking became wasteful. I knew this was a quality that had to change within me.
I flipped my script- NO regrets. Live for the moment- whatever you do NEVER look back! In my attempt to transform, I began doing things outside my character- dropped out of school and began a completely different career path. At the time I felt I had nothing to lose- I had spent 25 years in fantasy land hoping to be saved from a Knight in Shining armor. Sure I’ve seen a man on a white horse but it was usually in front of the plaza hotel.
Anyone who has known me a long time cannot believe I would stop over analyzing every situation & person that comes my way. There are no accidents in my book. We all have free and personal power we have to hone. Mine lies in the ability to see a problem within myself then change it…
I was not brought up to be a gold digger or chase after money. Nor was I forced to be a doctor or lawyer. Lucky or not, I was encouraged to be whatever I want. Im still trying to figure out what that is.
There is something in my nature that makes money easy to attract. Anytime I need a new job, an opportunity always arises out of no where. I never worked well with women however. Most of the important men in my life, I met through my job/work in some way shape or form. Usually it was a friend or coworker who introduced us.
This has happened so many times, it cannot be a coincidence. Just when I think I have found my individuality through a new job venture - romance and fantasy control my life again. The more I resisted a sexual relationship, the more it chased me- go figure.
So what have I learned this past year-
1. Im more than just a body- tits and ass.
2. Not all men are pigs but some are unfortunately.
3. I have personal power that I must use wisely: sex is not a substitute for power.
4. I will not compromise my values for cheap thrills.
5. I can live in reality & still keep my fantasies
6. Writing is my passion.
7. Partying is fun but not the way i want to live my life.
8. My mind is stronger than I thought.
9. I need to talk a lot less & listen more.
10. We can all start over.
Old habits die hard. You can also find opportunity in them. My success will come through partnerships. My legacy will be in creativity, technology and cultivated through my imagination. With the right person we can turn” fantasy” INTO “ reality” together.
My ultimate goal is not to become a public figure, but to SERVE the public in some way. I was born with certain gifts that have carried me this far- all I need to do is cultivate them into some practical use. The material world alone cannot satisfy me so I must create a new way to make money without compromising the core of my being.
Until all my dreams come true, I will keep searching and waiting…AND writing.
Always,
CrystalXO.
~“Socrates.
My whole struggle has been torn between “love for one & love for all“- Im dedicated & intense enough to give my love to one man, have children, be a good wife & mother. Then again, anytime I had put all my energy into one person or project, I lose myself in the process- my identity is based solely on where I put my heart & energy day to day.
Work could be where Im most dedicated if I could separate my emotions from my daily routine. However, to me, its all the same. Anything, place, or person who becomes part of my “routine” always has a place in my heart- hence, I put my heart into most everything I do. Im not saying Im superior to anyone- there are plenty of warm, positive people who we all gravitate towards. Its not about what the general public deems attractive. Its the LARGER than life energy in their presence.
For awhile as a teenager, I believed my calling was to be a NUN- sometimes, I stillfeel that calling. Its hard to shake because I do enjoy my body & sex. There was a time when I hated my curves. Especially my breast. Sexuality was dirty to me. But no matter how I acted, my breasts took center stage. I was automatically seen as a sexual being, even a slut. So I decided to be who everyone thought I was...needless to say, that was a short phase but a recurring one. Now, Im back to my holier than thou attitude- well, I still want to fool around but something stops me from taking it all the way. i could be half naked with a man & not want to have sex. I just want him to hold me.
To be honest. Most people I have met seem mediocre. Im extremely selective who I hang out with. I think the show Entourage is brilliant- “Lets hug it out bitch!” But Im not a fan of walking around with 10 people. I prefer my small intimate group to dance drink, & laugh. The only thing Im missing is my man. I have one but hes so far away- we have a bond that keeps us together. I just told him that I have to get out & live my life. he doesnt want to lose me. STill, I have a need to make something of myself. A drive to help people, to stand out from the crowd.
Everyone wants to be remembered. To some extent we all make an impression on someone. Those who are lucky enough leave behind a legacy. I say luck loosely. Some of us are born into it while others put in countless hours of hard work. Never discount the saying:
“Its not WHAT you know. Its WHO you know.”
There is truth to that statement. Ask anyone well known and successful in their own right - even they will talk about someone helping them out early on in their endeavor to make themselves public figures in society. Was it a case of being in the right case at the right time...perhaps. Timing is everything after all.
The beauty of life is its complete and utter randomness. Its imperfections make us strive to be better Without them we would all be satisfied with the status quo. Instead, we are never satisfied - our drive, passion, motivation stems from our desire for change - out with the old & in with the new. Whether its as superficial as fashion or as deep as social reform - the world will never stop moving. In fact, no matter what we go through as individuals, we must realize life goes on.
For someone sensitive. Its easy to get disappointed in the easy come, easy go attitude of people. The harder we work to obtain something, the more effort we put into keeping it. Easy connections are often used and abused. Retrospection is viewed as only something for sappy people who cant let go of the past.
Its so simple to tell me- move on! Let it go...I have given the same advice to others. yet, I cant help but look back to try to figure out what went wrong...why cant this person forgive me or conversely. why can’t I forgive them? All this over thinking became wasteful. I knew this was a quality that had to change within me.
I flipped my script- NO regrets. Live for the moment- whatever you do NEVER look back! In my attempt to transform, I began doing things outside my character- dropped out of school and began a completely different career path. At the time I felt I had nothing to lose- I had spent 25 years in fantasy land hoping to be saved from a Knight in Shining armor. Sure I’ve seen a man on a white horse but it was usually in front of the plaza hotel.
Anyone who has known me a long time cannot believe I would stop over analyzing every situation & person that comes my way. There are no accidents in my book. We all have free and personal power we have to hone. Mine lies in the ability to see a problem within myself then change it…
I was not brought up to be a gold digger or chase after money. Nor was I forced to be a doctor or lawyer. Lucky or not, I was encouraged to be whatever I want. Im still trying to figure out what that is.
There is something in my nature that makes money easy to attract. Anytime I need a new job, an opportunity always arises out of no where. I never worked well with women however. Most of the important men in my life, I met through my job/work in some way shape or form. Usually it was a friend or coworker who introduced us.
This has happened so many times, it cannot be a coincidence. Just when I think I have found my individuality through a new job venture - romance and fantasy control my life again. The more I resisted a sexual relationship, the more it chased me- go figure.
So what have I learned this past year-
1. Im more than just a body- tits and ass.
2. Not all men are pigs but some are unfortunately.
3. I have personal power that I must use wisely: sex is not a substitute for power.
4. I will not compromise my values for cheap thrills.
5. I can live in reality & still keep my fantasies
6. Writing is my passion.
7. Partying is fun but not the way i want to live my life.
8. My mind is stronger than I thought.
9. I need to talk a lot less & listen more.
10. We can all start over.
Old habits die hard. You can also find opportunity in them. My success will come through partnerships. My legacy will be in creativity, technology and cultivated through my imagination. With the right person we can turn” fantasy” INTO “ reality” together.
My ultimate goal is not to become a public figure, but to SERVE the public in some way. I was born with certain gifts that have carried me this far- all I need to do is cultivate them into some practical use. The material world alone cannot satisfy me so I must create a new way to make money without compromising the core of my being.
Until all my dreams come true, I will keep searching and waiting…AND writing.
Always,
CrystalXO.
