Today is the day, our country- the good ole U.S. of America celebrates her freedom. So many people have risked their lives for this great nation- today, many more risk their lives to come here for a "better" life- at what price?
Is it worth having all the things you desire when you are UNHAPPY...do you have to be so TOUGH & selfish to make something of yourself...whatever happened to kindness, honor, freedom, choice, the AMERICAN way?
God knows we are so lucky to be born here. Yes, I feel terrible for those who have to fight just to maintain basic rights- no matter where we come from, we ALL bleed...inside we are all the SAME> perhaps the plain Janes & party poopers had it right all along. Boring is better: its certainly safer.
Seriously, I dont wanna sound like a BROKEN record...
Is it really worth being beautiful, rich, successful, & intelligent? It seems like the faster we rise, the HARDER we fall...Im humble enough to admit, im far from all I aspire to be. I used to think a light shone around me- I still had an aura of innocence. Suddenly, the trials & tribulations of my past returned to haunt me. They were starting to harden my once sanguine spirit.
So many times this past couple of years, I looked in the mirror or caught my reflection...I had NO clue who this person was- this woman who became so driven for material things. I felt so much guilt. Not because of how I figured out to get what I want. The self loathing came from the fact I knew, I got lazy- I was taking the EASY way out- blaming my past pain for reasons to be irresponsible.
What past could a 27 year old have - a lost childhood. Sorrow. Confinement. Abuse. Abandonment...who am I to even complain- I was also given a very cooshy, safe home - two "stable" parents to replace the ones who created me. It seems that all that was never enough!!! Life has kept throwing more challenges.
I had counselors, therapists, doctors try to "evaluate" my personality. In many ways I grew tired of their repetitive questions...I had arrogantly assumed I knew more than them; outsmart intelligent minds. Now I see all that was an illusion- they saw right through the smoke & mirrors. In the end, who is the one who suffers?
Was it my lack there of- an emptiness & void that needed to be fulfilled...Its like a poison has taken over my true self- who injected me with this bitter contempt- I have no actual disease- perhaps a mood disorder nothing that any prescribed MAOI. cant cure!
Now, after all the drama- I want to change- I REALLY want to turn a NEW leaf- start over from scratch- get back to my ROOTS- school, family, a normal job- the whole nine-
I refuse to be one of those sad sorry TRAGIC women- I want to be STRONGER...less selfish, less foolish- the ego has to go- where did it even come from: this NEED to be recognized...for what? A sex object...drug addict... No. The intense creative energy has made me a bit of an eccentric with no sense of direction. The more it has been contained, the more I want to just throw it out there& not care what others think.
Life offers us so many chances. You can go to the TOP schools in the country. Come from the richest family. But who you are deep down reflects through the CHOICES we make...it get us nowhere to try to keep up with the "jones" when they are classless pigs- we should care about those who love us unconditionally. Our character is shown in how we treat our close friends & companions: the truth is, the people who defended me are also the ones who hurt me the most...
Its like, they want to keep me sick because if I actually get better I'll become independent & leave them behind. This will never happen. Its just their irrational fears that have frustrated my growth process.
And as much as I want to see the GOOD in everyone & lord knows, I put that extra KIND gesture towards all who cross my path- I have to OPEN my eyes & see the truth- this sheltered girl is a becoming a WISE woman- my good intentions have been perpetuated on the WRONG people. I see that now.
My "love" for humanity runs very deep- I was just never encourage to love MYSELF. Isn't that 4-letter-word over used: I say love often for lack of a better word to describe the intense emotions rushing through me from time to time.
For a moment, I thought of going back to dancing in "another" club. Cheeky. Now I see how that is also an unwise decision. If only I had loved myself sooner instead of beating myself up inside for accepting abuse- I always believed I deserved it. It ate me up inside ti discover none of it was my fault really, just a victim of circumstance. But acknowledging this epiphany leads to deep truths that can never changed...only accepted.
In many ways, I feel all these experiences make me a better person. Perhaps if Im luck enough to have children myself, I can teach them how to be even better people- that is my wish..until then I choose not to bring another life into this world of confusion. Thats just selfish.
IRONICALLY it was not traveling the world that taught me life's harshest lessons...all I had to do was step right outside my own doorstep. Now the healing can begin=)
All the best. Peace & love. Crystal xoxo
*Inspiring poem by Maya Angelou*
I KNOW WHY THE CAGED BIRD SINGS
A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays and dares to claim the sky.
But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.
The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and he names the sky his own.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.
