The world I know. (A Poem).

Once upon a time

I went wearily wayward

Into a wild world

Where I almost drowned

In a flood of emotions

And a sea of ecstasy

Where nothing mattered

Except you. And me.

A Poem for Paul.

"Life is so constructed, that the event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation."Charlotte Bronte

Words can never express the strength of our connection. We defy convention: with good intention.

Our relationship has blossomed like a flourishing flower. Becoming more potent every minute and every hour.

I have FAITH we will continue to grow. As long as we go with the flow. Steady. Slow.

I cherish the time we spend together. I want to be wrapped up in your strong arms forever.

I have so much respect for the way you project positivity. We create our own reality. You stand your ground. Sturdy and strong. Moving along. Always up. Never down yet two feet firm on the ground. Our bond defies logic. Gravity cannot pull us down. Only one year ago we bare knew each other. It took time for my heart to flutter. But butterflies are not what I feel. We got something real. Nobody can manipulate or steal. This is written from my heart. The only place I know where to start. True love, once found cannot be torn apart.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY and to many, many more!!

Always & Forever,

Your muñeca. Crystal. <3 comment-3--="" nbsp="">

BIG BIRTHDAY shout to Paul Citroner!! I am proud to be by your side. To truly know you and what you have overcome.  You have accepted all of me. You treat Kylee as if she is your own daughter. My most cherished moments with you are not shared with the world but etched in my heart  Taught me the meaning of commitment. Today, I am blessed to have someone like you in my life. <3 .="" for="" i="" loving="" me="" thank="" you="">

Wedding Vows....( A poem)

Too many materialize the meaning of marriage - 

CHAINED to a legal & binding contract:

Two Signatures on paper is a permanent pact.   

Women fantasize about a sizable ring and a big "phat" WHITE wedding.

What makes a marriage work is daily DEVOTION -

And a commitment DEEPER than any ocean.

See, they are after the WRONG thing:

Chasing an impossible dream...

They say the vows:: In sickness AND in health -

In poverty AND in wealth.

What they really want is a FREE ride

Rather than to stand tall by their man's side.

When it's time to live up to their PARTNERSHIP

They either float effortlessly or

SINK like the Titanic SHIP -

Clinging onto *tiny* life rafts.

Afraid to drown - to drop their crown.

Leaving behind NO guilt or remorse

Until  the powers of a SUPERNATURAL force

Reveals to the LOVE they have lost

And the heartbreak avoided at all costs.

Consider this a REALITY intervention -

When you WISH for something to happen -

Put forth PURE intention.

XOXO

Promises.

You don't repair that relationship by sitting down and talking about trust or making promises. Actually, what rebuilds it is living it and doing things differently - and I think that is what is going to make the difference. ~Patricia Hewitt 

I have learned through life: never make a promise that you cannot keep. Especially to your children.

One of  the most truly tragic moments (one of many i have managed to survive) is the day when my parents lost custody of my brother Jeffrey & I. It was sudden, traumatic - every detail of that time is still burnt in my memory.

At first we were placed in the children's ward of the local hospital. I never knew why but there were placed with very sick children who had Cancer & broken bones. Other children walking around with IV's in their arms were all around us. To this day, the hospital is one place where I feel safe. It makes no sense. I just do. Even the food that everyone complains about is tolerable.

Anyways, every week we were told to pack our bags because we were going home! So we did what we were told. Keep in mind, our parents were not the greatest in  the world. Even as children we knew this. However they were the only parents we ever knew. I did miss the comfort of my own bed, cannot deny that.

So, every week was the same: we packed our bags & waited patiently only to be told, we would have to wait until "next time". No explanation - Nothing.

I was deathly afraid of the dark (still have that silly fear). The nurses on call would have to keep a night light on for me or I would suddenly wake up screaming & crying for my mother. Sure she had her issues but I missed her. Every child adores their mother: at least I did.

There are no words to describe the pain of having her there all the time then losing her for apparently no reason.

Now, as a mother myself I'm conflicted between wanting/needing the love of a man (romance & intimacy) & fulfilling my duties as a mother to nurture & protect my daughter who I will always love unconditionally.

Furthermore, experiencing 40 weeks of pregnancy & child birth makes me understand my own mother less. How could she have chosen my father (an abuser) over her own babies?

Perhaps there will never be an answer. All I know is that my mission is to forgive the Mistakes of my Mother. Move on. Learn from my own past & reverse the cycle.

Many blessings,

Crystal.

The Kiss.

I can taste the concept of conception churning on my tongue. Honey hung on his longing lips - too poisonous to kiss. Yet too prominent to miss. He grabbed my hand like a thief in the night. Held my bosom close to his chest. Well, you get the rest. The moment of spontaneous bliss sealed with a kiss – hands on my waist. Damn. Deception has a funny taste. I wouldn’t let that moment go for months. An undisclosed desire just between us…We were both on the same side. Yet there were feelings you chose to hide. 

You swallowed my SOUL slowly like sweet syrup as we spoke - surprised you didn't choke on your own words. Awesome. Absurd. All at once. You must have mistaken me for a dunce. I seemed to have misplaced my cap with your back handed slap. Were you playing me or her? Does it even matter anymore....

Lust and trust are incompatible mates. I let this ruminate before opening the flood gates. In the past I would have wanted to die – now, even my spirit could not cry. Why would I weep for another who I could not keep.  I choose my battles WISELY before going into war. To fight for you, I had to be 100% sure that you were the one I’d follow into the scorching sun. Therefore, I had to run the other way before it was too late: start a clean slate.

Sure, you can call me unstable but I am the one who is BRAVE enough to put my HEART wholly on the table. Treating my most delicate organ like a slab you could grab and steal yet never opening yourself up enough to truly feel. I held on for as long as I could until my knuckles were changing multiple colors and hues: from reds and pinks to burning blues.

If the name of your game is shame – we have all been there – it is so unfair to stare into the future. Should we shroud the pain or prepare it with a sterilized suture- steady hands sustain survival – stabbed in the front by a friend revealed as an actual rival. I am relieved our perfect plans fell through – looking back all I could see was me wanting you.

Crystal.

Compassion.

Girls are taught at an early age

To hold back rage.

Emotions are to 

Be locked up in a cage.

Never openly displayed.

I learned to cope

Hanging by a rope of

Hollow hope.

Never allowing myself 

To fall.

OR Fail

And in the moments I felt

Alive

Anger was a reminder

I must survive.

A passionate purpose.

Spiritually & Creatively::

Carefully calling out my

Courage. & Compassion.

                Powerful. I am not a "feminist" , this young woman is very brave...whoever she is.

Acceptance.

Human Beings have their flaws.

We have our scars

Too difficult to hide.

And relationship roller coasters

We choose not to ride.

I lost a child at 24

Don't have it me to lose

One more.

To Be a wife

Was never a goal::

To have my identity

Swallowed whole.

No thank you!

Its hard to trust

My heart these days.

So I sit in the shadows

Avoiding the rays.

Accepting what could never be.

Basking only in

My born again

Virginity.

Its not an easy path -

Letting go of wrath.

Holding on to

Anything sacred.

Scared to death

Of losing my breath.

Choosing acceptance over

Vengeance.