The Love of my life
Was my greatest sacrifice.
Its been four years,
The easy part was
Signing your life away
They dont prepare you
for making it day to day...
BELIEVE me I have paid
The price, every month
Has been a reminder-
If that isn't hell -
A place here on earth
I know all too well.
Until the Lord shed
A light onto me
Carried me away
From the self pity-
It took me a long
Time to see the truth.
There are some many times
when I picture you - there
Your soft skin,
wind in your hair.
Would you be green eyed
And fair?
Funny, you never approach
Me in my dreams.
Softly, we embrace
In crowded places
I swear I've seen your face
No man alive could ever
Replace!
I could never let you
live the life I had -
Often lost
Sweetly sad
Losing sleep
Over a life that was
Never yours or mine
To keep.
Guilt writhing from
your pours. There are
Times Im conflicted-
Did I make the right choice?
Follow the right voice:
I chose to listen to the
Father never to be.
He never saw you as
a blessing but complete
Misery.
Excuse after excuse
Finally promising to
Marry me,
I believed every word in my naivety ~
Perhaps he had a point.
Another breathing being
We had to feed & nurture.
No, I believe the loss
Of unconditional
Love is complete and
utter Torture.
See, he never knew his father.
We were far from kids-
Already in our 20's
Without a home
of our own or
Boundaries. We only
fed each other's emptiness-
The hypothetical:
Black-hole
thats never full.
I went back to school that fall
More like a zombie than
Young woman looking
Forward to the future.
There was a life literally
Forced out of me, an
Intricate part missing forever.
Add that as one more scar
Nobody will ever see
the many times, i fell apart
and had to repair my own
Broken heart - Im a pro
These days.
So numb, I dont feel
the rage. Just keep turning
The page until the book
Is complete, until I kneel
At the mercy of his feet
For forgiveness of my human
weakness...
So you were the
Only TRUE love of my life
My only consolation is I
was wise enough to
Protect you from this
World in all its pain
All the shame-
Because of you I will never be the same.
You will return to me in another
Form or entity -
When I have the chance to create life
Again- the things we take for granted-
Our path so dark & slanted.
Im so much braver now! Its you
who showed me how.
xoxo ~ Crystal.
