Its part of the humanistic healing process, ever since I was a toddler, social workers had come in & out of my life. Obviously, nobody can be their own "therapist"- even therapists need someone to talk to.
Spiritually, we are ALL brothers & sisters no matter what creed, religion, or race- we all come from the same place. We all revert back to the sacred "womb" when we feel lost.
Many start out with a seemingly average life striving to escape the "mundane". My life is quite the opposite- full of enough drama & trauma for a soap opera, Im working backwards in a sense to create a quite simple & normal life for myself- having children someday will be another way to repair the damage of my own. Although, my own mother was inadequate, when the time is right, I will be the best mother to my children, thats a fact!
what lessons of value would I teach them?
* Your heart must be in the right place: have a center that does not revolve around your possessions. Nobody should be forced into a religion or faith, believe in something other than what others say especially the media-When somebody told me that the state of the world took decades to create & may take centuries to repair has made me wonder if adoption will be a better alternative since so many children
world wide have nobody to love & care for them. Beside, i can relate to their "situation"
*Money does not bring or buy happiness for that matter. Accumulating money only makes you richer. Period. If thats all you have to offer, nobody will really remember you as a flesh & blood being but only see dollar signs when they thing of you- is this the legacy, you want to leave behind? BE GENEROUS with your~ time~ as well as money.
When I was 20 & discovered by gift for expressing myself through writing, I slowly stopped the idea that I had to vent to an actual person, in fact, I had been keeping a journal or diary for as long as I could remember, I always knew how to express my deepest desires & fears into words, even if it was scribbling on a napkin.
What made this all the more poignant is when my aunt brought me a manuscript written in Chinese- she told me that my grandfather used to write poetry about the family- I hope to translate it one day. Unfortunately, I never got to know him- although I have some of his pictures- he is remember as a good, kind man who loved his family. He was also mighty intelligent & hard working, besides our appreciate for poetry, we also share the disdain for a 9-5 lifestyle.
Strict schedules are NOT for me...
I feel its not fair to put all these heavy, negative emotions on others thats why I spend much time alone when Im depressed or just down. Of course, since this is a public diary, other have a right to read it & judge- Understand, I dont write this to be judged by others- this is my way to VENT & release some inner tension.
We are are creatures of experience. We have a past. Its not always pretty. If it was then either you were extremely lucky or delusional. Until you have had to sacrifice - loved & lost - caried the burden of hardship, responsibility- how can you say you have truly LIVED. Perhaps you only skimmed the surface.
Remember, its the little things in life that can make or break us. The Joy & the pain are one in the same- you cold never FULLY appreciate one without the other.
Im not a sad little woman who sits at a computer all day- I have a blackberry too, that gives me freedom to blog where ever I am in the world;-) Maybe, I have had to carry more pain than most, but what I write here is letting go of my vulnerability.
Any human being I have expressed all of this sorrow with must have had to be very dear * special for me- those we dump all their garbage on others are selfish. And Im the first to come to those friends who have needed console.
We can only be our best with what we are given. If we fail, we have nobody to blame but ourselves. Nobody is braver for pretending certain things never happened- nobody is that brilliant that they can push back the pain so far it disappears, it always resurfaces.
I write a little here -n - there instead of hurting others. The only time, I admit to exploding is when others dont respect my boundaries. Pushy people are not my cup of tea. Other than that, people fascinate me. Sometimes in shallow ways. Sometime with their wisdom * insight. Other times in their equally quirky presence * free ~ spirit.
My goals in life are more clear these days as my lifes purpose unfolds each day. I have come too far to give up. I want to share the success with others too, I just discovered that the happier you seem, the more certain people want to bring you down - its because they are unhappy with who they are, they have no control of their own life so they try to discredit your personal victories.
My only hope is those who have doubted me, realize they were wrong, wrong, wrong- Im a fighter. No way, no how, will I quit to appease those I will never ever please.
More to come. xoxo~ Crystal.
